My First Year as a Mommy

Let me start by saying, I have no idea how this year happened. Wait, yes I do. The grace of God. That’s how.

Being a mom is weird. In the fewest of words, I’d like to equate the first year of motherhood to a car wreck - sans violence. If that could even be a thing. See, no one can prepare you for a car wreck, sure you can wear your seat belt, drive safely and have a car with airbags. But really, no one knows how this wreck is going to turn out, or how you’re going to handle it. Being a mom is so much like that.

First you get pregnant. It’s so fun, you get to have all these parties, let yourself eat whatever foods you want, lay around the house asking your husband to do things for you because, duh, you’re pregnant. (Just me?) People tell you you’re glowing and how great you look, even though you feel like a blimp with flip flops on, and you start to convince yourself that you can do this whole mom thing. Then – in all its magical weirdness you birth a child.

Can we pause here for a second and just slow clap for every woman who has ever birthed a baby? Seriously. I don’t care if you had an epidural, c-section, a midwife, or pulled your own baby out in the woods. You’re awesome. You let another human take over your body for nine months, and then come out of it. That’s nuts, and you’re wonder woman. Way to go.

After your baby is born, there is this brief honeymoon period. Your baby is a day or two old, and is sleeping the majority of the day. You feel SO skinny because you no longer have a rock hard watermelon in your belly making it impossible for you to do normal things like shave your legs and get up off the couch. Then… The other shoe drops. This child decides that it is STARVING and super mad about it. Just mad in general really. This is where the motherhood journey gets real, fast. You start to learn so much about yourself at 3am while pacing around your house. You start to feel TERRIBLE about your teenage years and all the crap you put your parents through. You learn how well you operate as a human on little to no sleep. You learn what’s really important, and what isn’t. You learn. Every second of every day. You learn. 

Some days lessons are simple: don’t eat cereal while holding a baby. Cool. Some days are hard, like, I’m a terrible human when I don’t get sleep or, learning how to speak kindly to your husband when you’re exhausted, covered in vomit, and can’t think straight because a tiny human is screaming at you. But all of it – even the vomit situations – it’s all good. It’s good for me to learn to be a better wife. It’s good for me to learn to say no to people so that I can go to bed at 8pm. It’s good for me to learn what is really important in life, and what isn’t. To me, the first year of motherhood is some of the most rapid growth and change you’ll ever go through. There are times where it hurts, it isn’t fun, and it makes you wonder why you decided to put yourself through this. But – there are also times where your joy is so un-containable, and overflowing that you can’t fathom your life being any other way.

These tiny creatures called children are gifts – and are the best gifts God could ever give us. Being a mom is the MOST sanctifying thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ll forever be grateful that the Lord allowed me to experience it. 

Word.

Words are incredibly powerful. The Bible tells us that the power of life and death are in the tongue. God gave us the power to produce either more life, or cause death just by speaking. This is because we are created in His image. When God created the entire universe he spoke it into existence. You and I, being lesser beings – cannot create mountain ranges or rivers, but we do have creative power in our words. If you don’t believe me, just talk to someone who has been bullied, or better yet keep reading.

When I was in middle school or ‘the awkward years’ as I like to call them, I got made fun of quite frequently. Kids have a way of calling each other out and being so cruel. Top that off with my sensitive personality, and you get a recipe for an extremely wounded heart. Things that were said to me in those few awkward years have still stuck with me into adulthood. I struggle with feeling accepted, fat, less than, etc. These are all things I’m bringing to the Lord and allowing him to heal so that I don’t pass those feelings and insecurities on to my future children. Because I’m walking through a period of healing right now, it’s caused me to think a lot about how we speak to one another.

Since we’ve all grown up and are no longer in middle school the outright name calling has mostly come to an end. Right? Here’s the thing – we still call each other names. We even call ourselves names! Men jokingly call each other rude slang words, or tell each other that they are less manly than they ought to be. Women cut each other down, analyzing facebook pictures to see if the other has gained more weight. Families poke fun at each other when other members fail or do something silly.

Here’s the thing – each time you speak you choose to foster life or death in every person within ear shot. Every word out of your mouth carries power. Whether you are ‘joking’ or being thoughtful in the words you choose, they pack a punch.

You may be thinking, “Well, I’m not as sensitive as you Lauren, words don’t really affect me that much”. Are you sure about that? Ladies, do you remember the first time someone called you fat, too skinny, ugly, loud, even annoying..? Men, do you remember the first time someone told you to man up, boys don’t cry, that you were too slow, or that you didn’t have what it took? My guess is that you do – you remember the coach that ragged on you all season long, or the kid in middle school who was mean to you, or when a family member made you feel unwanted. It may take some self-reflection and searching, but my guess is that you can see how those words have manifested themselves in your life.

So, what’s the point in all this? Can we, as Christians, start a movement? Can we begin to speak life over each other? Let’s build each other up, instead of tearing down. Let’s teach our kids to love their neighbor with their words. Let’s teach them that ‘ugly’ and ‘fat’ are cuss words we don’t use do describe a creation made in God’s image. Let’s stop poking fun at each other and pretending it doesn’t hurt. Let’s realize that being a real man and real woman of God doesn’t depend on your appearance, athleticism, or accomplishments, but simply on being an imperfect disciple of Jesus Christ.

I hope my daughter grows up, and never calls herself fat. I hope my son grows up knowing his masculinity is secure not because of his performance on a field. I hope the Lord tames my tongue and changes the way that I speak to my husband. I pray that God makes every mouth in my house a mouth that produces life so that when we leave we are fully equipped to battle the death and darkness out in the world.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 26:18-19

Just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon is someone who lies to a friend and then says, “I was only joking”.

Matthew 12:33-37

A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.

He is after My Heart

I had a friend in college once talk about how there are two dichotomies of faith that permeate the majority of Christians’ belief systems. The first being the: ‘it’s all about grace’ path. When taken to the extreme this way of thinking says that it doesn’t really matter what you do because Jesus already died on the cross and forgave you for it. So you don’t really have to try to live righteously because, it’s all about His grace. This is false, small nuggets of truth are found in that large overarching statement, but the statement itself is false. The second belief system many Christians adopt is the ‘faith without works is dead so I have to work really hard’, or the ‘if I try really hard to be good then God will love me and I’ll go to heaven’. Again, both of these statements are false – nuggets of truth buried under a lie.

If you were to ask me which line of thinking I most often lean towards, it’s the works mentality. I don’t know where or when I began to buy into this lie, or if it’s just merely my type A personality, but thinking that I have to earn God’s love is so much easier for me to believe than the reality of His love being a free gift.

What’s weird, is that I am a fairly self-aware individual, and I realize that I have an incorrect view of God and His love for me. So what am I supposed to do about it? Well, obviously first one must TRY to change, right?! Ya’ll, I’ve tried. For a really long time. I don’t know if God’s been chuckling at me trying to understand His love on my own, or saddened by it, but I know either way He’s been waiting for me to ask Him about it.

That’s finally what I did. I asked the Lord to show me how he loves me, and what I’ve been realizing this past week or so, is that God doesn’t really care how hard I try. It’s not about my striving, He’s after my heart.

See when someone, or something, has your heart spending time with that someone or something isn’t hard. You like it. You want to do things with/for the person who has your heart. Things flow out of you naturally. If you like watching old seasons of Bones on Netflix, chances are you’re going to do that after work. (Just me?! Oh, bummer..) Or take Sean, my sweet husband, for example. I love Sean, he has my heart. So when I go to the store for groceries, I don’t think to myself “Oh shoot I’ve got to get food for Sean too, I almost forgot!” Nope, in fact, I typically fight through the overcrowded isles to grab him some of his favorite treats. Is it work to get the habanero almonds he likes? If you’ve been to the grocery store on a Sunday then you know the answer to this question is YES. But I don’t really see it as work, I see it as honoring and loving my husband. I just do it, and don’t really think much of it.

God is the best husband you’ll ever have, and he desperately wants your heart. Yes, He will require some work, or obedience, from you. However, I truly believe that His greatest desire is for your obedience to be out of the overflow of your heart, rather than a sense of duty. Yes, faith without works is dead, but our works to not prove that God has our hearts. You can strive, and work all your life, but never fall in love with the Lord. That would be the greatest tragedy of all.

Friends, if you’re like me at all please hear this from the Lord. “Put down your tools, sit with me a while. Take your eyes off of yourself, your accomplishments and failures - and look at me. Once you look at me, you will fall in love with me, for I AM love.”

He is Love. He is good, and He is after your heart.

Here I Go Again on My Own

I hope you read that title in your best 80’s hair rock band voice, because that’s what I think of.

Here I go again!

You may be thinking, Where ya been Lauren?! Is blogging too much of a chore for you?! You can’t handle the life of a TRUE blogger!!

Well, you’re probably right. But let me also explain why I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I didn’t have anything good to say. So I didn’t say anything at all. If you’ll let me I’d like to bare my soul to you a little and share with you what God’s teaching me right now.

For about a year I’ve been discontent with my job. Not because my job is all that bad, honestly I have it pretty good. I work for my dad from home. Sean also works for my dad from home. Which means I get to spend a lot of time with my husband and not get out of my PJs until I’m good well and ready! Which is awesome. Also, my boss is my dad. A man who loves me and always has my best interest at heart. I’d bet that most people can’t say that about their boss. However, with all these wonderful things about my job I was left still feeling discontent. See, like the majority of people who live in Texas – I grew up in church. I grew up in GREAT churches. Churches that believed in the prophetic and in investing in the next generation. So I, being a product of fantastic churches and youth groups, grew up believing that God had BIG plans for my life. This in of itself is awesome, but let me explain the trap of the enemy I fell into.

See, I’m 24 now. I’m married, I own (roughly 13% of) a home, and have a job. I’m an adult (sadly). So in my head I’m sitting here at my job day in and day out thinking, “Lord, this job isn’t BIG, and you have BIG things for me. This can’t be all you have for me right now. Let’s do something else.” Don’t you love it when you tell God what to do?!

I sat for a year (probably more) praying that prayer. Over, and over, and it bred a lot of hurt feelings and disappointment in my heart, because nothing changed. God didn’t give me a new job, He didn’t give me a huge idea for a book, He didn’t even give me an idea of how to make my current job more enjoyable. So here I am, face stained from disappointed tears, asking God why.

So many of my journeys with the Lord begin with me asking why. You’d think I’d learn to be more inquisitive all the time, might save myself some grief!

This is what I think He’s shown me the past week or so. BIG in the Kingdom of God is not measured the same way that BIG is measured on earth. As a Christian I have dual citizenship in the Kingdom of God and here on earth. I am a citizen of both worlds, but one world will pass away, along with all of its trappings. So if I’m wise, I’ll work towards successes in the world that will never end. My focus for so long has been on having big success here on earth. Wanting so badly to do BIG worldly things for God so everyone here on earth would recognize it. What God’s showing me right now, is that I need to switch my attitude and focus. I need to strive for the things He thinks are big. What are those things? Well, I think it could look different for each person, but since we’re talking about me I’ll tell you what I think those big things are.

• Learning to be a good wife – this will not only bless my husband but build a strong foundation for our future family. I can also share what I learn along the way to help others around me to be better wives, which will affect their families for generations to come. That’s BIG.
•  Learning to hear God more clearly. If I hear God better, I can speak life into my family, friends, coworkers, and who ever I come across. Living in constant communion with the Lord will make me a better image of Him, and therefore spread His word more.
• Be a better friend/daughter/sister – If I can’t cultivate good relationships and love the people that are immediately around me, why would God trust me with more people?
• Manage my ‘domain’ – where ever I am stand up for my convictions and be a FORCE of love and grace. In my home, my car, with my friends, my family, my blog.. all of it.

That’s all I’ve gotten so far, but it’s big. God has shown me that I need not scoff at things I find to be small, because its all of those ‘small’ things that add up to be a BIG life.

Matthew 5:19

So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God's laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.

 Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 Hebrews 6:9-12

Dear friends, even though we are talking this way, we really don’t believe it applies to you. We are confident that you are meant for better things, things that come with salvation. ¹⁰ For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers,^[b] as you still do. ¹¹ Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. ¹² Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.

 

 

Because the Dowager always has wisdom.

I have the answer.

All of the time, I’m reminded of what a broken world we live in. All of the time. Sean and I have made it a point to watch the news during the week, so we’re not uneducated out of touch young’ins. It’s hard sometimes, to hear about it all – to have a daily reminder “Hey you’re still here on earth – you’re government is still run by a bunch of humans” We’re still broken.

I don’t understand people who feel as if they don’t need God. I’m desperate for him. In the wake of a difficult presidential election, the crumbling health care, an unstable economy, and two mass shootings – I’m on my knees. It’s where we all should be. I don’t care how you feel about guns, gun laws, or public schools. That is not the battlefield we are called to fight on.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.Eph. 6:12

What are you fighting for? Where are you fighting? Are you on your knees? Are you warring with words of prayer – or fear? Are you a symbol of peace amongst the chaos of this life? Peace is not having a loaded gun under your bed, having enough money in the bank to retire tomorrow, or having everyone you love alive. Peace is Jesus Christ. Peace is knowing your fate is sealed – that nothing in this world can harm you. We can hurt, even Jesus cried, but did He wallow? Did he allow death to overcome him? No, and thank goodness He didn’t. Death didn’t stop Jesus – and I refuse to allow it to stop me. Death has no hold on me; I pray that it has no hold on you.

With everything going on right now we as Christians have an incredible opportunity to shine so brightly in the darkest hour, because we have the answer! We know the Prince of Peace – whose peace passes all understanding. We can show people why we are able to have peace during this time.

Please take up this charge – don’t allow emotion, fear, or grief to stifle your witness. Be sad, but in your grief point others to peace. Point them to Jesus – because only His hands heal broken hearts. He is the answer, every time. Amen.

 

 

  Excuse the old, somewhat cheesy 90s worship song. Sometimes relevance is highly overrated. Truth is always relevant.

Through Hell and Back

This week has been a beast. Not in our marriage per-say but in EVERY OTHER AREA OF LIFE. Seriously. A part of me feels like we’ve been bunkered down waiting out our own emotional Hurricane. I’m sure you know the feeling, of just wanting it all to stop so you can be left to nurse your wounds. That’s how I’ve felt all week/all month. I’m weary of it all, and would like to press the pause button and eat some cookie dough in my jammies thank you very much!

However, on Tuesday Sean and I made it to Seven, the young adults service at church,  and the holy spirit bought up something Pastor Steven said to my mind this morning – while I was crying mind you. Pastor Steven was talking about how often in prayer meetings or other such events people will say things like ‘let’s stir ourselves’. I’ve never heard that phrase before but he went on to explain that it’s a normal and Biblical practice, of simply reminding yourself of what the Lord has already done in your life. You see, when you remind yourself of where you’ve been and how God has been faithful to bring you out of those things, you can’t help but look at your current cirsumstances and say ‘We will get through this too’. I’ve always been a huge fan of doing this. I try to do a small version of that each day in my quiet time, to simply remind myself – hey you’re blessed.

Today though, I wanted to sit with my thoughts and write out a list, a list of all that the Lord has done in my life. In no way will this be an exhaustive list, but I know that whatever I put down here will help me, and maybe it will help you. It’s November and if you haven’t already seen the mass of ‘month of thankfulness’ posts on Facebook – I encourage you to take it a step further. Make your own list. Take some time out of your day and write down all the things you can think of that the Lord has already brought you through. It will bless you, I’m sure of it.

So here goes, my ‘Through Hell and Back’ list:

1. The whole ‘Sean leaving for Afghanistan situation’. I was angry, distraught, and let down by the prospect of Sean leaving for Afghanistan. But God was faithful to me, even when I was SO unfaithful.

2. Never once have I, or someone in my family gone hungry. Financially this year has been hard on all of us, but never once have we not had enough. He has always provided.

3. He has never left me or forsaken me. Even when I did the best I could to leave Him.

4. The Lord has healed my heart of so many wounds – I still need more healing and more work, but He will continue the good work He began in me.

5. My hearts greatest desire was to be married. I’m married, to the most wonderful man I could have imagined.

6. He’s forgiven me. Time and Time again.

7. He loves me, even when I don’t love myself.

8. Nothing can harm me. Truly harm me, because my eternity is sealed.

9. He has spoken such clear words to me in the past. The Lord told me Sean wouldn’t have to go overseas – and he didn’t. He will speak to me again – and does.

10. He has physically healed close personal friends of mine – He will heal my body.

11. He gave my friends babies, when they thought they couldn’t have them.

12. He comforted me when I was alone.

13. He gave me friends, so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

14. He gave me a roommate when I didn’t have one and needed one.

15. He gave me a job when I asked.

16. He gave me a wedding photographer – TWICE.

17. He’s taken care of my Dad’s business - and will continue to do so.

 He is so faithful, and so good. I hope you can see the evident hand of God in your life, because I promise you it’s there. We are His treasured possession, and He loves us so much more than we know.

Thank you Lord, for all the things you’ve done in my life, mentioned and not. I KNOW that you are good. Thank you for carrying me when I’m weak. Thank you for being tender and gentle with me. Help me to know that you are near, that you haven’t forgotten me. Help me to trust you with my whole life. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

It's all fun and games until her Wedding is better than yours...

In these months after getting married, and settling into an ‘adult routine’ (I say that because I mostly work, go to church, and eat food) I have found myself looking for the next exciting thing, something that is ahead of me that I can work towards, or be excited about. The biggest thing Sean and I have been discussing recently is buying a house. We love our tiny apartment, but each time I write (or watch Sean write) that rent check I find myself wishing that it were going towards something – towards ownership of something rather than just paying for temporary use. In this quest for the ‘next big thing’ I find myself on the internet a LOT, probably too much. I’m on pinterest, googling houses in the areas we’re interested in, or looking on Facebook at other friends’ homes, blah blah blah, but this morning as I starting looking through another friend’s wedding photos on Facebook I felt the Lord speak something soft to me. I had a thought, “I wonder if her wedding turned out as well as she had it pinned on pinterest”. BOOM. I stopped, another thought came to mind, “How often are you disappointed with your circumstances because of what you’ve seen on pinterest or facebook?”

Oh, hey God, why you gotta be all up in my business reading my mail like that?!

Seriously though, it’s true. I find myself continually comparing my life – with her’s. The preverbial HER. She has the perfect house, bakes like a pro, works out 7 days a week, always looks put together, loves the Lord, cooks like Paula, and always has all the laundry done. Obviously this woman does not exist, and if she does, I bet she has a cleaning lady and a million dollars. However, even though I KNOW in my brain that this is not the truth, that NO ONE lives like this, I find myself chasing my own version of perfection. Everywhere I go I think, “Ugh, she’s SO pretty and always has cute clothes, I need to go shopping” or “Her house is so pretty, I wish we could move soon”, or “She’s working in her dream job, I wish I even knew what my dream job was”.  Do you see all off that?! That NASTY discontentment in my heart?

It’s sad, I know, and you probably never struggle with stuff like this. So feel free to stop reading, go pay your cleaning lady and count your millions.

Here I am, blessed FAR beyond what I deserve, and I’m grumbling wishing it were different. I sound just like the Israelites in the desert. They had just gotten delivered from Egypt, from slavery and oppression and what did they do? Whine to God about their circumstances.

Exodus 16:3 “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.”

As Sean was praying last night before we went to bed, he thanked the Lord that we were trying to figure out what to do/where to go for Thanksgiving, instead of talking on the phone missing each other. Earlier this year, I had to walk through an “Egypt” in my life, and now that I’m on the other side, I’m complaining about not having enough meat.

Why do I do this? Is this just a part of my human sin nature that I have to deal with? Probably, and I think it’s a part that grips each and every one of us. It’s fed by our consumer driven society that always urges us to buy more, spend more, you NEED this. But here’s the thing, do I really? Do I really NEED a house? Do I really NEED new fall clothes? No. What I need, is more of Jesus, and less of me.

So, what do I do? Delete my Facebook and pinterest account? I could, but I think it’s more of a heart issue than an internet problem. Plus I think Sean would miss all the tasty treats I find on there to make. (We really like food at my house, in case you couldn’t tell)

Lord, would you help me to not compare my life to hers. Would you help me to not build up unhealthy expectations about life and how its ‘supposed’ to be. Help me to walk with you, instead of running ahead of you. Teach me to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, instead of being jealous of them. Make that ugly green monster inside of me go away. Help me to continually be thankful for all of the wonderful things that you have given me. Help me to guard my mind when I’m on pinterest, or facebook. Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of your good gifts. Thank you for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the clothes in my closet. Thank you that we have more than enough. Thank you for being patient with me, even though I struggle with the same thing over and over again. I love you. Amen.

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14