In these months after getting married, and settling into an ‘adult
routine’ (I say that because I mostly work, go to church, and eat food) I have
found myself looking for the next exciting thing, something that is ahead of me
that I can work towards, or be excited about. The biggest thing Sean and I have
been discussing recently is buying a house. We love our tiny apartment, but
each time I write (or watch Sean write) that rent check I find myself wishing
that it were going towards something – towards ownership of something rather
than just paying for temporary use. In this quest for the ‘next big thing’ I
find myself on the internet a LOT, probably too much. I’m on pinterest,
googling houses in the areas we’re interested in, or looking on Facebook at
other friends’ homes, blah blah blah, but this morning as I starting looking
through another friend’s wedding photos on Facebook I felt the Lord speak
something soft to me. I had a thought, “I wonder if her wedding turned out as
well as she had it pinned on pinterest”. BOOM. I stopped, another thought came
to mind, “How often are you disappointed with your circumstances because of
what you’ve seen on pinterest or facebook?”
Oh, hey God, why you gotta be all up in my business reading
my mail like that?!
Seriously though, it’s true. I find myself continually
comparing my life – with her’s. The preverbial HER. She has the perfect house,
bakes like a pro, works out 7 days a week, always looks put together, loves the
Lord, cooks like Paula, and always has all the laundry done. Obviously this
woman does not exist, and if she does, I bet she has a cleaning lady and a
million dollars. However, even though I KNOW in my brain that this is not the
truth, that NO ONE lives like this, I find myself chasing my own version of
perfection. Everywhere I go I think, “Ugh, she’s SO pretty and always has cute
clothes, I need to go shopping” or “Her house is so pretty, I wish we could
move soon”, or “She’s working in her dream job, I wish I even knew what my
dream job was”. Do you see all off
that?! That NASTY discontentment in my heart?
It’s sad, I know, and you probably never struggle with stuff
like this. So feel free to stop reading, go pay your cleaning lady and count
your millions.
Here I am, blessed FAR beyond what I deserve, and I’m
grumbling wishing it were different. I sound just like the Israelites in the
desert. They had just gotten delivered from Egypt, from slavery and oppression and
what did they do? Whine to God about their circumstances.
Exodus 16:3 “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,”
they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread
we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to
death.”
As Sean was praying last night before we went to bed, he
thanked the Lord that we were trying to figure out what to do/where to go for
Thanksgiving, instead of talking on the phone missing each other. Earlier this
year, I had to walk through an “Egypt” in my life, and now that I’m on the
other side, I’m complaining about not having enough meat.
Why do I do this? Is this just a part of my human sin nature
that I have to deal with? Probably, and I think it’s a part that grips each and
every one of us. It’s fed by our consumer driven society that always urges us
to buy more, spend more, you NEED this. But here’s the thing, do I really? Do I
really NEED a house? Do I really NEED new fall clothes? No. What I need, is
more of Jesus, and less of me.
So, what do I do? Delete my Facebook and pinterest account?
I could, but I think it’s more of a heart issue than an internet problem. Plus
I think Sean would miss all the tasty treats I find on there to make. (We
really like food at my house, in case you couldn’t tell)
Lord, would you help
me to not compare my life to hers. Would you help me to not build up unhealthy
expectations about life and how its ‘supposed’ to be. Help me to walk with you,
instead of running ahead of you. Teach me to rejoice with those who are
rejoicing, instead of being jealous of them. Make that ugly green monster
inside of me go away. Help me to continually be thankful for all of the
wonderful things that you have given me. Help me to guard my mind when I’m on
pinterest, or facebook. Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of your good gifts.
Thank you for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the clothes in
my closet. Thank you that we have more than enough. Thank you for being patient
with me, even though I struggle with the same thing over and over again. I love
you. Amen.
“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14
