This Again?!

I’d like to start this post off with a disclaimer. In the following lines you will find: 1. Bad grammar. 2. Southern Slang 3. Lots of sass. If all of that is just fine by you, then tread on, my friends.

It’s been a week since Sean got home and we've settled in quite nicely. We have settled into a routine with work, errands, and laundry. This may sound completely boring to you, but to me, it’s all of the little things I thought I wouldn’t get to do with Sean for a year. Those little things matter. We're also in the process of planning our wedding reception. Since we planned our wedding in a week, we were unable to invite everyone that we would have liked. So now we're scrambling around (again) trying to find a venue for our original wedding date, to have a reception in.

The second Sean got home; I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was as if the weight of the world was immediately off my shoulders. I didn't have to figure out insurance by myself, or try to sell his car, or miss him so much I thought my heart would stop beating. It was over. I made it through the pressure cooker.

In my brief period post pressure cooker, I've noticed something. I seem brattier outside the cooker. *GASP* Seriously?! Am I that awful? Did I honestly forget EVERYTHING I've learned in the past month and go back to being silly little Lauren again?? Dang it. I'll admit it, in the past week, I've had my moments. You see, living at home, working at home, being married, and trying to plan a reception just does not always equal a recipe for a good attitude.

I've come to discover that my attitude needs a daily adjustment. It becomes too easy to be discontent with my circumstances, or frustrated with planning the reception. I have to take a step back and remember, "Hey girl, you just got yourself a bonafide miracle, get over it!" and then I typically do.

I can just hear your internal dialog now, "Well yeah, sheesh. If I had gotten a miracle I'd tell myself that too. But you have no idea what I am dealing with right now. I’m still in the middle of my mess." You're right. I don't know exactly what you’re dealing with, but the Lord does. I feel like I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Your perspective changes EVERYTHING. Are you grateful that you have a heavenly father who loves you and died for you, or are you sitting on Facebook comparing your life to hers? Are you rejoicing with those girls who are getting engaged and married, or are you disappointed and jealous that it’s not you?

A little too close to home right there? Good, because that's exactly where the Lord hit me this week. I could just feel Him saying to me, are you still going to choose me, even when everything's ok? What a question. Is God my life vest, or the air I breathe? Is He my everything, every day, or my insurance policy? I refuse to allow what I've learned slip away. I refuse to allow my dependence to switch from totally on God to myself. Nope, not gonna happen! I don't want to have to learn that lesson again, thank you!

I'm putting that up on the thankfulness board. That the Lord teaches me, and by His grace alone, I learn the lesson, because let’s face it, without Him I wouldn’t learn a darn thing.

What is the Lord teaching you? Is it the same lesson over and over again? Or are you learning, and moving on to bigger sometimes harder lessons?

Be encouraged. You can pass the test, because it's not by your own strength, but by His.

A-stinkin-MEN!!!

Love you guys, like Sean loves sweet tea. :-D

My Very Own Miracle

First off let me say, I'm sorry this has taken so long. Its been busy around here, you'll understand here soon.

I have GIANT news that can only be credited to God's faithfulness and grace to His kids. Sean is home, for good.

About a week ago Sean called me and told me that his commander had spoken to him and said that since Sean's end time of service date wasn't longer than 90 days away from the end of the deployment he had to make a decision, extend his contract for another year, or not extend and see if they would send him still or not. Sean called me immediately after this conversation to talk with me about it. I told him that I didnt want him to resign. Let them send him still and he could come home early, but resigning for another year wasnt an option I was ok with. Sean agreed and we hung up the phone.

Let me pause to explain the small miracle happening just in that circumstance. Last fall we got news that Sean would be getting deployed the following July, except if he wanted to go he would have to extend for another year. Sound familiar? Well, Sean being the loyal, up to the challenge man that he is did exactly that. He signed a contract for another year so that he wouldn't leave his guys in the lurch. A few months later, that whole deployment got canceled and everything he signed was null and void. Do you see where I'm going with this? If God had allowed the army to recognize or process that Sean's ETS date is when it is before he left for training and given him the option to resign then, I think he would have. He wouldn't have been in the middle of it, sick of eating MRE's, and sick of missing his wife. (I’m taking literary liberty here, but I think it’s fairly accurate.)

Back to the story: Sean went back to his commander the next morning and told him that he wasn't going to resign. His commander took this news and went higher up the food chain to figure out what they were going to do with Sean. They were either going to release him, or still send him but he would come home early. This was HUGE. Either of these options was better than when we started, I was jumping out of my skin all day Thursday.

Thursday night Sean called me like he usually does after training and dinner are over. He said to me, "Baby I'm so excited about coming home...for good." Tricky little man, slipping such huge news into normal conversation like that. I started crying immediately. I couldn't believe it. He was coming home, for good. I didn't have to dread my birthday, or Christmas any more. He would be there.

I got on my knees with Sean and the phone and cried out to the Lord in thankfulness. This had nothing to do with me, it was totally God, and He chose to pour out His grace, mercy, and love on us in such a tangible way.

I've always struggled with the reality of "God really loves me". I know how much of a mess I am, and how many times I've royally missed the mark. Coming to a place where I can feel God's love deep down in my soul has been difficult for me. It's something I've been working on for quite a while. In my head I know the truth, but in my heart part of me always felt like I didn't deserve it, I wasn’t good enough.

I think the Lord wanted to put that lie to rest. If I ever think, does God really love me? I have this. He brought my husband home. He loves me so much, that He spared me from something I honestly did not want to walk through. He gave me grace, even when I had all but given up hoping that Sean could be spared.

I know that there are layers to this lesson I'm learning. All that has gone down in the past week will take me months to work out in my heart. But this I know for sure, God is good, and He loves me.

He loves you too. You might still be walking through your dark valley, or maybe you’re on the mountain top, but he loves you the same. The Bible says that God IS love. It also says that He cannot change. So, no matter what you're walking through, or how you've messed up God is still love, and He still loves you.

I hope this story has breathed some hope into your lungs. God is so much bigger than we often give Him credit for. He can do anything. Don't give up hope. Keep running this race, and I’ll see you at the finish line.

He's a cutie, and glad to be home.

Mary, Martha, and some Peanut Butter

So here’s the deal. Sean comes home for his first four day leave in about 5 days. I’m so excited I can’t stand it! My type-A personality has gone into overdrive and I’ve planned, cleaned, and organized until my little hearts content. The past month has been a tough one. I think the anticipation of Sean leaving was almost worse than when he was actually gone. It was like when you’re riding a roller coaster and you’re tick-tick-ticking up that giant hill, just waiting to go over the edge. All of this hasn’t been a walk in the park for Sean either. Their training has been pretty intense, and he’s been eating MRE’s for two meals a day.

Let me pause here and decode army lingo for you. MRE = nasty, preservative laden, prepackaged mush they call breakfast and lunch. MRE’s are reason number 45 I could never be in the army. So what do I do in response to such a food atrocity? Go to Wal-Mart and Target about 10 times each to buy every organic, individually wrapped, doesn’t need heating or refrigerating food out there. No joke, I have a food pantry in my closet.

Acts of service have always been one of my love languages; I inherited that one from my mother. When I wig out and go to extremes, like I have been lately, I ware myself out trying to do everything. I can’t go in Sean’s place, but in my head it makes me feel a little better thinking that peanut butter, and tuna packets will make his time a little easier.

I wonder if this is how God feels towards us. God did take our place, and redeemed us when we were incapable of doing it on our own, but He doesn’t force us to choose Him. Beyond salvation, it is still a choice whether or not we invite the Lord into our daily lives. How often is His hand stretched out ready to help us, and we continue to muddle through on our own?

Sean doesn’t have to take all of the food I bought with him; he doesn’t have to accept any of my help. He’s been through one deployment without me, he could do it again, but wouldn’t it be better if he did? More often than I’d like to admit my rebellious teenager spirit rises up and I want to do everything myself. I’m a capable, educated woman! Hear me roar!! I can’t do it all though.

My peanut butter may help Sean to feel loved while he’s away, but nothing I do can give Sean the peace he needs to get through it all. That’s the hardest part for me. There isn’t anything I can do about all of this. All I can do is sit at the feet of Jesus, which is where He’s wanted me all along. So I’m learning to be more of a Mary and less of a Martha, to cling to the answer, instead of spinning my wheels in an effort to make sense of it all. ‘Cause here’s the thing, I don’t think any of it, life and all of its uncertainties, will ever make sense this side of heaven. So I’ve got to get over it, and take a chill pill. One of my favorite verses says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!” (John 16:333)

He doesn’t guarantee us an easy journey, but peace every step of the way. I’m thankful for that, for peace that passes all understanding. Peace that I don’t have to work for or earn.

Lord, thank you for loving me and for giving me your peace. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me, even when I try to do it on my own. Help me to lean on you, and you alone. Amen.

Peaks, Valleys, and Eternity

It's been my experience that immediately following any sort of kingdom 'high' Satan, the jerk that he is, comes at you full force, trying to knock you off that high horse. Well, this week has kind of been like that. 

I was shocked when I got the kind of response to my first two posts that I did. Honestly, those were for me. To get off my chest what was so heavy inside of me. I'm an out-loud thinker/processor. It helps me to talk through things. In fact, I usually feel like a giant ball of emotion until I can hash things out with someone. Sean is really good at listening to all my emotional ramblings. He is always patient with me and talks me through my over dramatic moments (me? over dramatic..NO! ;-). So, in writing that blog it was a way for me to get those thoughts out, and let Sean still be involved in the process. But then all of you wonderful people actually read it! Several girls told me how one of the posts had helped them, that the Lord had spoken to them through it. Humbled is an understatement, it was awesome to see the Lord using my words. It was definitely one of those 'spiritual high' moments, and you know what follows those.  

Satan really is a jerk. I hope you know that. I've thought about making a T-shirt about it. For no particular reason Tuesday was a hard day. I don't know if it was coming back to work after a long weekend, or my sister being gone (she's on her honeymoon..I expect gifts..), or it being one of the first nights I went to church without Sean, but all day my Eeyore cloud was out in full force. I didn’t shake it off probably until Wednesday night. I volunteer with the youth group at my church and it’s such a blessing to me each week. On my way home I called Sean and got to talk to him for a bit. He explained how he got to pray with several of the guys in his platoon that are Christians, and all of the ways he knows he is supposed to be there right now, for such a time as this.  

I've been prophesied over several times in my life, and they all had a similar chord running through them, that the Lord would bring me through specific things in my life in order for me to help the women around me, a call on my life like the call of Esther. I am here, for such a time as this. In my head I've always thought, "Yea, this is awesome! I'm going to be a nation changer like Esther, she was a queen! I want to be a queen!" But Wednesday night when Sean was talking about how he knew he was at the exact right place at the exact right time; my heart did not leap for joy. Sure, I'm happy that the Lord is using Sean, but does it have to be so hard?  

I think back to Esther. You know, I bet she wasn't super jazzed about her calling all the time either. The weight of saving a nation was on her shoulders. She had to risk her life for the lives of her people, not an easy task, but she did it. She didn't run away, or ignore what was being set before her. She sought the Lord, and went to work.  

That is not easy. It is not easy to stare at your seemingly impossible situation and say, "Ok Lord, its me and you, let's do this." But I think that's exactly the heart that the Lord is after; he needs you to be willing to trust His crazy plan. That he knows better than you do, and will carry you through it. I've always wanted to be that kind of person, who can go beside a river, pick up a couple stones and walk off to face the giant, knowing that God has my back. It’s tough and I'm not sure I've even begun to look anything like Esther, but I'm willing.

Growing is hard work, and spiritual growing pains are real, but I know that everything learned in the spirit will last me for all of eternity. This pain I'm experiencing will be miniscule in comparison to the eternal rewards ahead of me. That's true for you as well. No matter what you're facing, or how much your dreading taking another step forward, your reward will be worth it, for your treasures are in heaven not on this earth.

Lord, take me and use me. Help me to be able to fight for my people. Make me strong enough to slay the giants in my life, and give me the grace that I need to be able to trust that you have my back. For you crush giants and defeat armies, but you are tender and close to the broken hearted. Thank you for loving me even when I run away from what you've called me to do. Amen.