So here’s the deal. Sean comes home for his first four day
leave in about 5 days. I’m so excited I can’t stand it! My type-A personality
has gone into overdrive and I’ve planned, cleaned, and organized until my
little hearts content. The past month has been a tough one. I think the
anticipation of Sean leaving was almost worse than when he was actually gone.
It was like when you’re riding a roller coaster and you’re tick-tick-ticking up
that giant hill, just waiting to go over the edge. All of this hasn’t been a
walk in the park for Sean either. Their training has been pretty intense, and
he’s been eating MRE’s for two meals a day.
Let me pause here and decode army lingo for you. MRE =
nasty, preservative laden, prepackaged mush they call breakfast and lunch. MRE’s
are reason number 45 I could never be in the army. So what do I do in response
to such a food atrocity? Go to Wal-Mart and Target about 10 times each to buy
every organic, individually wrapped, doesn’t need heating or refrigerating food
out there. No joke, I have a food pantry in my closet.
Acts of service have always been one of my love languages; I
inherited that one from my mother. When I wig out and go to extremes, like I
have been lately, I ware myself out trying to do everything. I can’t go in Sean’s
place, but in my head it makes me feel a little better thinking that peanut
butter, and tuna packets will make his time a little easier.
I wonder if this is how God feels towards us. God did take
our place, and redeemed us when we were incapable of doing it on our own, but
He doesn’t force us to choose Him. Beyond salvation, it is still a choice
whether or not we invite the Lord into our daily lives. How often is His hand stretched
out ready to help us, and we continue to muddle through on our own?
Sean doesn’t have to take all of the food I bought with him;
he doesn’t have to accept any of my help. He’s been through one deployment
without me, he could do it again, but wouldn’t it be better if he did? More
often than I’d like to admit my rebellious teenager spirit rises up and I want
to do everything myself. I’m a capable, educated woman! Hear me roar!! I can’t
do it all though.
My peanut butter may help Sean to feel loved while he’s
away, but nothing I do can give Sean the peace he needs to get through it all. That’s
the hardest part for me. There isn’t anything I can do about all of
this. All I can do is sit at the feet of Jesus, which is where He’s wanted me
all along. So I’m learning to be more of a Mary and less of a Martha, to cling
to the answer, instead of spinning
my wheels in an effort to make sense of it all. ‘Cause here’s the thing, I don’t
think any of it, life and all of its uncertainties, will ever make sense this
side of heaven. So I’ve got to get over it, and take a chill pill. One of my
favorite verses says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world!” (John 16:333)
He doesn’t guarantee us an easy journey, but peace every
step of the way. I’m thankful for that, for peace that passes all
understanding. Peace that I don’t have to work for or earn.
Lord, thank you for loving me and for giving me your peace.
Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me, even when I try to do it on my
own. Help me to lean on you, and you alone. Amen.
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