Here I Go Again on My Own

I hope you read that title in your best 80’s hair rock band voice, because that’s what I think of.

Here I go again!

You may be thinking, Where ya been Lauren?! Is blogging too much of a chore for you?! You can’t handle the life of a TRUE blogger!!

Well, you’re probably right. But let me also explain why I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I didn’t have anything good to say. So I didn’t say anything at all. If you’ll let me I’d like to bare my soul to you a little and share with you what God’s teaching me right now.

For about a year I’ve been discontent with my job. Not because my job is all that bad, honestly I have it pretty good. I work for my dad from home. Sean also works for my dad from home. Which means I get to spend a lot of time with my husband and not get out of my PJs until I’m good well and ready! Which is awesome. Also, my boss is my dad. A man who loves me and always has my best interest at heart. I’d bet that most people can’t say that about their boss. However, with all these wonderful things about my job I was left still feeling discontent. See, like the majority of people who live in Texas – I grew up in church. I grew up in GREAT churches. Churches that believed in the prophetic and in investing in the next generation. So I, being a product of fantastic churches and youth groups, grew up believing that God had BIG plans for my life. This in of itself is awesome, but let me explain the trap of the enemy I fell into.

See, I’m 24 now. I’m married, I own (roughly 13% of) a home, and have a job. I’m an adult (sadly). So in my head I’m sitting here at my job day in and day out thinking, “Lord, this job isn’t BIG, and you have BIG things for me. This can’t be all you have for me right now. Let’s do something else.” Don’t you love it when you tell God what to do?!

I sat for a year (probably more) praying that prayer. Over, and over, and it bred a lot of hurt feelings and disappointment in my heart, because nothing changed. God didn’t give me a new job, He didn’t give me a huge idea for a book, He didn’t even give me an idea of how to make my current job more enjoyable. So here I am, face stained from disappointed tears, asking God why.

So many of my journeys with the Lord begin with me asking why. You’d think I’d learn to be more inquisitive all the time, might save myself some grief!

This is what I think He’s shown me the past week or so. BIG in the Kingdom of God is not measured the same way that BIG is measured on earth. As a Christian I have dual citizenship in the Kingdom of God and here on earth. I am a citizen of both worlds, but one world will pass away, along with all of its trappings. So if I’m wise, I’ll work towards successes in the world that will never end. My focus for so long has been on having big success here on earth. Wanting so badly to do BIG worldly things for God so everyone here on earth would recognize it. What God’s showing me right now, is that I need to switch my attitude and focus. I need to strive for the things He thinks are big. What are those things? Well, I think it could look different for each person, but since we’re talking about me I’ll tell you what I think those big things are.

• Learning to be a good wife – this will not only bless my husband but build a strong foundation for our future family. I can also share what I learn along the way to help others around me to be better wives, which will affect their families for generations to come. That’s BIG.
•  Learning to hear God more clearly. If I hear God better, I can speak life into my family, friends, coworkers, and who ever I come across. Living in constant communion with the Lord will make me a better image of Him, and therefore spread His word more.
• Be a better friend/daughter/sister – If I can’t cultivate good relationships and love the people that are immediately around me, why would God trust me with more people?
• Manage my ‘domain’ – where ever I am stand up for my convictions and be a FORCE of love and grace. In my home, my car, with my friends, my family, my blog.. all of it.

That’s all I’ve gotten so far, but it’s big. God has shown me that I need not scoff at things I find to be small, because its all of those ‘small’ things that add up to be a BIG life.

Matthew 5:19

So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God's laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.

 Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 Hebrews 6:9-12

Dear friends, even though we are talking this way, we really don’t believe it applies to you. We are confident that you are meant for better things, things that come with salvation. ¹⁰ For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers,^[b] as you still do. ¹¹ Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. ¹² Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.

 

 

Because the Dowager always has wisdom.

I have the answer.

All of the time, I’m reminded of what a broken world we live in. All of the time. Sean and I have made it a point to watch the news during the week, so we’re not uneducated out of touch young’ins. It’s hard sometimes, to hear about it all – to have a daily reminder “Hey you’re still here on earth – you’re government is still run by a bunch of humans” We’re still broken.

I don’t understand people who feel as if they don’t need God. I’m desperate for him. In the wake of a difficult presidential election, the crumbling health care, an unstable economy, and two mass shootings – I’m on my knees. It’s where we all should be. I don’t care how you feel about guns, gun laws, or public schools. That is not the battlefield we are called to fight on.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.Eph. 6:12

What are you fighting for? Where are you fighting? Are you on your knees? Are you warring with words of prayer – or fear? Are you a symbol of peace amongst the chaos of this life? Peace is not having a loaded gun under your bed, having enough money in the bank to retire tomorrow, or having everyone you love alive. Peace is Jesus Christ. Peace is knowing your fate is sealed – that nothing in this world can harm you. We can hurt, even Jesus cried, but did He wallow? Did he allow death to overcome him? No, and thank goodness He didn’t. Death didn’t stop Jesus – and I refuse to allow it to stop me. Death has no hold on me; I pray that it has no hold on you.

With everything going on right now we as Christians have an incredible opportunity to shine so brightly in the darkest hour, because we have the answer! We know the Prince of Peace – whose peace passes all understanding. We can show people why we are able to have peace during this time.

Please take up this charge – don’t allow emotion, fear, or grief to stifle your witness. Be sad, but in your grief point others to peace. Point them to Jesus – because only His hands heal broken hearts. He is the answer, every time. Amen.

 

 

  Excuse the old, somewhat cheesy 90s worship song. Sometimes relevance is highly overrated. Truth is always relevant.

Through Hell and Back

This week has been a beast. Not in our marriage per-say but in EVERY OTHER AREA OF LIFE. Seriously. A part of me feels like we’ve been bunkered down waiting out our own emotional Hurricane. I’m sure you know the feeling, of just wanting it all to stop so you can be left to nurse your wounds. That’s how I’ve felt all week/all month. I’m weary of it all, and would like to press the pause button and eat some cookie dough in my jammies thank you very much!

However, on Tuesday Sean and I made it to Seven, the young adults service at church,  and the holy spirit bought up something Pastor Steven said to my mind this morning – while I was crying mind you. Pastor Steven was talking about how often in prayer meetings or other such events people will say things like ‘let’s stir ourselves’. I’ve never heard that phrase before but he went on to explain that it’s a normal and Biblical practice, of simply reminding yourself of what the Lord has already done in your life. You see, when you remind yourself of where you’ve been and how God has been faithful to bring you out of those things, you can’t help but look at your current cirsumstances and say ‘We will get through this too’. I’ve always been a huge fan of doing this. I try to do a small version of that each day in my quiet time, to simply remind myself – hey you’re blessed.

Today though, I wanted to sit with my thoughts and write out a list, a list of all that the Lord has done in my life. In no way will this be an exhaustive list, but I know that whatever I put down here will help me, and maybe it will help you. It’s November and if you haven’t already seen the mass of ‘month of thankfulness’ posts on Facebook – I encourage you to take it a step further. Make your own list. Take some time out of your day and write down all the things you can think of that the Lord has already brought you through. It will bless you, I’m sure of it.

So here goes, my ‘Through Hell and Back’ list:

1. The whole ‘Sean leaving for Afghanistan situation’. I was angry, distraught, and let down by the prospect of Sean leaving for Afghanistan. But God was faithful to me, even when I was SO unfaithful.

2. Never once have I, or someone in my family gone hungry. Financially this year has been hard on all of us, but never once have we not had enough. He has always provided.

3. He has never left me or forsaken me. Even when I did the best I could to leave Him.

4. The Lord has healed my heart of so many wounds – I still need more healing and more work, but He will continue the good work He began in me.

5. My hearts greatest desire was to be married. I’m married, to the most wonderful man I could have imagined.

6. He’s forgiven me. Time and Time again.

7. He loves me, even when I don’t love myself.

8. Nothing can harm me. Truly harm me, because my eternity is sealed.

9. He has spoken such clear words to me in the past. The Lord told me Sean wouldn’t have to go overseas – and he didn’t. He will speak to me again – and does.

10. He has physically healed close personal friends of mine – He will heal my body.

11. He gave my friends babies, when they thought they couldn’t have them.

12. He comforted me when I was alone.

13. He gave me friends, so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

14. He gave me a roommate when I didn’t have one and needed one.

15. He gave me a job when I asked.

16. He gave me a wedding photographer – TWICE.

17. He’s taken care of my Dad’s business - and will continue to do so.

 He is so faithful, and so good. I hope you can see the evident hand of God in your life, because I promise you it’s there. We are His treasured possession, and He loves us so much more than we know.

Thank you Lord, for all the things you’ve done in my life, mentioned and not. I KNOW that you are good. Thank you for carrying me when I’m weak. Thank you for being tender and gentle with me. Help me to know that you are near, that you haven’t forgotten me. Help me to trust you with my whole life. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

It's all fun and games until her Wedding is better than yours...

In these months after getting married, and settling into an ‘adult routine’ (I say that because I mostly work, go to church, and eat food) I have found myself looking for the next exciting thing, something that is ahead of me that I can work towards, or be excited about. The biggest thing Sean and I have been discussing recently is buying a house. We love our tiny apartment, but each time I write (or watch Sean write) that rent check I find myself wishing that it were going towards something – towards ownership of something rather than just paying for temporary use. In this quest for the ‘next big thing’ I find myself on the internet a LOT, probably too much. I’m on pinterest, googling houses in the areas we’re interested in, or looking on Facebook at other friends’ homes, blah blah blah, but this morning as I starting looking through another friend’s wedding photos on Facebook I felt the Lord speak something soft to me. I had a thought, “I wonder if her wedding turned out as well as she had it pinned on pinterest”. BOOM. I stopped, another thought came to mind, “How often are you disappointed with your circumstances because of what you’ve seen on pinterest or facebook?”

Oh, hey God, why you gotta be all up in my business reading my mail like that?!

Seriously though, it’s true. I find myself continually comparing my life – with her’s. The preverbial HER. She has the perfect house, bakes like a pro, works out 7 days a week, always looks put together, loves the Lord, cooks like Paula, and always has all the laundry done. Obviously this woman does not exist, and if she does, I bet she has a cleaning lady and a million dollars. However, even though I KNOW in my brain that this is not the truth, that NO ONE lives like this, I find myself chasing my own version of perfection. Everywhere I go I think, “Ugh, she’s SO pretty and always has cute clothes, I need to go shopping” or “Her house is so pretty, I wish we could move soon”, or “She’s working in her dream job, I wish I even knew what my dream job was”.  Do you see all off that?! That NASTY discontentment in my heart?

It’s sad, I know, and you probably never struggle with stuff like this. So feel free to stop reading, go pay your cleaning lady and count your millions.

Here I am, blessed FAR beyond what I deserve, and I’m grumbling wishing it were different. I sound just like the Israelites in the desert. They had just gotten delivered from Egypt, from slavery and oppression and what did they do? Whine to God about their circumstances.

Exodus 16:3 “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.”

As Sean was praying last night before we went to bed, he thanked the Lord that we were trying to figure out what to do/where to go for Thanksgiving, instead of talking on the phone missing each other. Earlier this year, I had to walk through an “Egypt” in my life, and now that I’m on the other side, I’m complaining about not having enough meat.

Why do I do this? Is this just a part of my human sin nature that I have to deal with? Probably, and I think it’s a part that grips each and every one of us. It’s fed by our consumer driven society that always urges us to buy more, spend more, you NEED this. But here’s the thing, do I really? Do I really NEED a house? Do I really NEED new fall clothes? No. What I need, is more of Jesus, and less of me.

So, what do I do? Delete my Facebook and pinterest account? I could, but I think it’s more of a heart issue than an internet problem. Plus I think Sean would miss all the tasty treats I find on there to make. (We really like food at my house, in case you couldn’t tell)

Lord, would you help me to not compare my life to hers. Would you help me to not build up unhealthy expectations about life and how its ‘supposed’ to be. Help me to walk with you, instead of running ahead of you. Teach me to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, instead of being jealous of them. Make that ugly green monster inside of me go away. Help me to continually be thankful for all of the wonderful things that you have given me. Help me to guard my mind when I’m on pinterest, or facebook. Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of your good gifts. Thank you for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the clothes in my closet. Thank you that we have more than enough. Thank you for being patient with me, even though I struggle with the same thing over and over again. I love you. Amen.

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

 

 

What now?!

Growing up is strange, as is getting older. When you’re a little kid – you can’t imagine ever being 16 and being able to drive, then that milestone passes and you can’t wait to graduate high school, another milestone and you keep checking them off one by one. Graduating college, getting a job, getting married, having kids…

The biggest milestone I’ve sailed right past in my life thus far is getting married. Being a girl that was raised on Disney films I have been, not so patiently, waiting for my prince charming for as long as I can remember. I kissed my fair share of toads that didn’t turn out to be my prince, and then the Lord brought me Sean. Granted, our story didn’t pan out exactly as I had it planned in my head, but that’s life, right?!

See, I got married, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. Silly isn’t it? But the desire of my heart for so long was to get married – and now it has happened. I think that I really always thought that once I got married – I’d have it all figured out. My life would be exactly as I’d want it. I would have ‘arrived’. Well I don’t know where my preverbal trains stop was – but I do not feel as if I’ve reached it.

After settling into the routine of life after marriage I’ve found myself thinking, ‘Is this it??!’ Maybe I put too much expectation on what marriage would bring me – or maybe I foolishly thought that at some point you officially became a grown up and had it all together and walked out the rest of your life fulfilling the destiny God breathed in you – and after marriage was that time. Whatever I was believing – it left me feeling empty. Annoyed with how my life was going. Don’t get me wrong – there aren’t any major life issues I’m dealing with – just an overwhelming sense of discontentment.

So, I went to church on Sunday as usual, and as soon as worship starts, what happens? I start crying. My tender little heart that is aching for substance, for purpose, for meaning, finds it. At the feet of my savior. Instantly I felt the Lord say to me, “Lauren, you’ve been looking in all the wrong places for fulfillment. Work, friends, Sean. These things do not bring you fulfillment – I do. I am the giver of all life.”

I figured something out right then – if I do nothing of value or worth for the rest of my life, except sit at the feet of my savior – I will have lived a fulfilling life.

Crazy isn’t it. God didn’t give me some huge directive to accomplish, or mandate a task, He simply told me to sit.

Philippians 3:7-8

“I once thought these things were valuable – but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage so that I could gain Christ.”

Ecclesiastes 12:7 &13-14

For the dust will return to the earth and the spirit will return to God who gave it. Everything is meaningless says the teacher, completely meaningless…

            That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

 

 

      Lord, help me to sit at your feet, for the rest of my life. Help me to not find my worth and value in anything but you. I am yours - THAT is who I am. Your daughter, beloved, bride, precious jewel. May my life be incense rising up to heaven. May I live for you, and not myself. Help me to not get caught up in what the world tells me I should be, and help me to be content in being yours. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for dealing with me tenderly. I love you, with all of my heart. Amen. 

God is love

ok, OK, O STINKIN’ K.

I’ve heard enough about chick-fil-a to last me a lifetime. And you know what?!! This girl has an opinion.

I have NO idea what Jesus would have done if he lived in modern times and Chick Fil A existed. My GUESS is that he would have been at a homeless shelter, or in someone’s house teaching, not eating waffle fries (I don’t think they are kosher?). Does that mean you’re a bad person for supporting the restaurant that makes me feel like fast food is slightly acceptable? Nope. Does it mean that you are a better person because you didn’t go to Chick Fil A and you’re learning to make your own chicken nuggets at home out of protest? Nope.

Let me tell it to you straight.

1. We are ALL sinners.

2. Our political views will NOT get us to heaven.

3. My God is LOVE, not hate.

4. Love does NOT mean compromising the truth.

If Jesus walked on this earth today where would he stand on Gay marriage, or abortion, taxes, or a myriad of other political topics that Christians and non-Christians alike get hyped up over? I have an idea – but I THINK (opinion only folks, I’m not God) that He would emphasize that its people’s hearts He is after, not their votes. When Jesus did walk on the earth, He did not seek to overthrow governments, much to the Jew’s dismay. He walked, loved, prayed, taught, healed, died, and rose again.

So here’s the thing, no matter what side of the fence you fall on, if you profess to be a follower of Christ I think we should remember a few things. God loves people, and hates sin. Our human minds can’t process that because we think that if someone does something we don’t like, we don’t like them. WRONG. You don’t like their actions, not WHO THEY ARE.  You can dislike what people do AND who they are – but that’s a horse of a different color. It’s much like loving a child – when they throw fits and tantrums and drive you up a wall, you don’t just stop loving them because their behavior doesn’t please you at the time.

Aren’t you glad God is a really good dad? And He doesn’t stop loving you each time you mess up? He is a God full of grace, mercy, and love. THAT is something worth emulating. We are called to LOVE those who are difficult to love. That means, people who don’t share your political views, religious views, moral standing,  who are rude to you, talk bad about you, take advantage of you, steal from you…

Matthew 5:38-48

38“You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ 39“But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40“If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. 41“Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42“Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

43“You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I’m NOT perfect. And I struggle with actually loving people who are hard to love. But THAT’S my goal. Love everyone, all the time, no matter what.  Loving them does not mean I have to be ok with their actions, it means looking past the action to see the person, in need of love, grace and mercy.

Lord, please help me to do this in my life. You know how hard it is for me to do this, and how my little heart gets hurt by people. Help me to forgive them, and love them. Help me to love others like you do so that I can be your hands and feet. Help me to not love people out of selfish gain, but to love unconditionally. Teach me to live like you did, loving, forgiving, healing, teaching, walking, and dying for you. Forgive me for not loving people better. Forgive me for my failures. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me all the time. Amen.

XOXOX,

Lauren

God is good, all the time.

If you just stumbled onto my blog, and happen to be reading all of my posts at once, I apologize. You’ve probably already noticed my bad grammar, and you’ll find a reoccurring theme throughout all of my posts. Thankfulness. It’s such a simple concept, but interlaid with profound truth.

Let me catch you up on my past few weeks and I’ll flesh out this chapter of ‘a thankful heart’. A few weeks ago Sean and I finally moved out of my parents’ house. The day after he came home from training, we went and signed a lease for our first apartment, but apartments aren’t genies and we had to wait 3 weeks until we could move in. We started collecting furniture and getting prepared for the big move. Then the day finally came. Sean’s twin brother and his girlfriend were in town during the move and with their help, my sister and her husband and all the other hands on deck we got moved in. Longest day of my life. For real. Just one thing was missing, our mattress. Sean was planning on picking up our mattress on move in day, but called for directions to the warehouse and Mattress firm told us to not worry about it, they would deliver it! Talk about thankfulness – in 100+ degree heat you are THANKFUL for not having to carry a mattress up apartment stairs. We waited, and waited, and waited. Come 8:30 when I was as cranky as the wicked witch of the west, and the mattress store was about to close – Sean called and they informed us our mattress would not be at our apartment that evening.

Let’s pause there for a second. I KNOW that this blog is a tiny snapshot of my life, and if this is all you know about me, I seem like the saint of thankfulness. I’m not. In fact at this particular moment of my life I was sitting at the sink washing dishes ready to poke a fork in the eye of the man who told me I was going to have to sleep on the floor that night, but the story does continue.

Sean has an uncanny ability to get whatever he wants. AKA Extreme favor.  Sometimes this is super annoying; however, when you’re his wife and you get to benefit from the favor over his life, it’s kind of awesome. By the time he hangs up the phone with the mattress man, he had secured us a free upgrade to any mattress in the store. Um what?! Yea, even over the phone his charm and good looks make people putty before him. ;-)  Needless to say, we slept on the floor for two nights and on the third night we have this mattress we could have never afforded in our bedroom.

So what does this have to do with thankfulness? Everything. Every night I get in my bed and silently pray, ‘Lord thank you for this mattress.’ Because I know what it’s like to sleep on the floor. See beyond the simple metaphor in this story.

I’m sure you know what it’s like to sleep on the floor. You know what it’s like to be so exhausted and at the end of your rope, and you just have to keep holding on, to God, and His promises. I’m 100% positive that at some point in your life you have experienced a period of being faithful during the ‘in betweens’. Can I tell you something? Your mattress is coming, and it’s more than you could have ever paid for on your own. Amen?!  

One day, you will be walking around in the fulfillment of God’s promises in your life and you will lay your head down every night thanking Him for it all, thanking Him that you don’t have to sleep on the floor anymore.

Lord, make me faithful during my ‘in betweens’ Help me to honor you with the little I have now, so that you can trust me with much. Help me to not complain through the process of your sanctification. I know that you love me, and will complete the good work that you started in me, help me to not hinder that growth. Make me good soil. May every breath I breathe, in the sunshine and the rain, glorify you.

Amen. 

XOXO,

Lauren