My First Year as a Mommy

Let me start by saying, I have no idea how this year happened. Wait, yes I do. The grace of God. That’s how.

Being a mom is weird. In the fewest of words, I’d like to equate the first year of motherhood to a car wreck - sans violence. If that could even be a thing. See, no one can prepare you for a car wreck, sure you can wear your seat belt, drive safely and have a car with airbags. But really, no one knows how this wreck is going to turn out, or how you’re going to handle it. Being a mom is so much like that.

First you get pregnant. It’s so fun, you get to have all these parties, let yourself eat whatever foods you want, lay around the house asking your husband to do things for you because, duh, you’re pregnant. (Just me?) People tell you you’re glowing and how great you look, even though you feel like a blimp with flip flops on, and you start to convince yourself that you can do this whole mom thing. Then – in all its magical weirdness you birth a child.

Can we pause here for a second and just slow clap for every woman who has ever birthed a baby? Seriously. I don’t care if you had an epidural, c-section, a midwife, or pulled your own baby out in the woods. You’re awesome. You let another human take over your body for nine months, and then come out of it. That’s nuts, and you’re wonder woman. Way to go.

After your baby is born, there is this brief honeymoon period. Your baby is a day or two old, and is sleeping the majority of the day. You feel SO skinny because you no longer have a rock hard watermelon in your belly making it impossible for you to do normal things like shave your legs and get up off the couch. Then… The other shoe drops. This child decides that it is STARVING and super mad about it. Just mad in general really. This is where the motherhood journey gets real, fast. You start to learn so much about yourself at 3am while pacing around your house. You start to feel TERRIBLE about your teenage years and all the crap you put your parents through. You learn how well you operate as a human on little to no sleep. You learn what’s really important, and what isn’t. You learn. Every second of every day. You learn. 

Some days lessons are simple: don’t eat cereal while holding a baby. Cool. Some days are hard, like, I’m a terrible human when I don’t get sleep or, learning how to speak kindly to your husband when you’re exhausted, covered in vomit, and can’t think straight because a tiny human is screaming at you. But all of it – even the vomit situations – it’s all good. It’s good for me to learn to be a better wife. It’s good for me to learn to say no to people so that I can go to bed at 8pm. It’s good for me to learn what is really important in life, and what isn’t. To me, the first year of motherhood is some of the most rapid growth and change you’ll ever go through. There are times where it hurts, it isn’t fun, and it makes you wonder why you decided to put yourself through this. But – there are also times where your joy is so un-containable, and overflowing that you can’t fathom your life being any other way.

These tiny creatures called children are gifts – and are the best gifts God could ever give us. Being a mom is the MOST sanctifying thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ll forever be grateful that the Lord allowed me to experience it. 

Word.

Words are incredibly powerful. The Bible tells us that the power of life and death are in the tongue. God gave us the power to produce either more life, or cause death just by speaking. This is because we are created in His image. When God created the entire universe he spoke it into existence. You and I, being lesser beings – cannot create mountain ranges or rivers, but we do have creative power in our words. If you don’t believe me, just talk to someone who has been bullied, or better yet keep reading.

When I was in middle school or ‘the awkward years’ as I like to call them, I got made fun of quite frequently. Kids have a way of calling each other out and being so cruel. Top that off with my sensitive personality, and you get a recipe for an extremely wounded heart. Things that were said to me in those few awkward years have still stuck with me into adulthood. I struggle with feeling accepted, fat, less than, etc. These are all things I’m bringing to the Lord and allowing him to heal so that I don’t pass those feelings and insecurities on to my future children. Because I’m walking through a period of healing right now, it’s caused me to think a lot about how we speak to one another.

Since we’ve all grown up and are no longer in middle school the outright name calling has mostly come to an end. Right? Here’s the thing – we still call each other names. We even call ourselves names! Men jokingly call each other rude slang words, or tell each other that they are less manly than they ought to be. Women cut each other down, analyzing facebook pictures to see if the other has gained more weight. Families poke fun at each other when other members fail or do something silly.

Here’s the thing – each time you speak you choose to foster life or death in every person within ear shot. Every word out of your mouth carries power. Whether you are ‘joking’ or being thoughtful in the words you choose, they pack a punch.

You may be thinking, “Well, I’m not as sensitive as you Lauren, words don’t really affect me that much”. Are you sure about that? Ladies, do you remember the first time someone called you fat, too skinny, ugly, loud, even annoying..? Men, do you remember the first time someone told you to man up, boys don’t cry, that you were too slow, or that you didn’t have what it took? My guess is that you do – you remember the coach that ragged on you all season long, or the kid in middle school who was mean to you, or when a family member made you feel unwanted. It may take some self-reflection and searching, but my guess is that you can see how those words have manifested themselves in your life.

So, what’s the point in all this? Can we, as Christians, start a movement? Can we begin to speak life over each other? Let’s build each other up, instead of tearing down. Let’s teach our kids to love their neighbor with their words. Let’s teach them that ‘ugly’ and ‘fat’ are cuss words we don’t use do describe a creation made in God’s image. Let’s stop poking fun at each other and pretending it doesn’t hurt. Let’s realize that being a real man and real woman of God doesn’t depend on your appearance, athleticism, or accomplishments, but simply on being an imperfect disciple of Jesus Christ.

I hope my daughter grows up, and never calls herself fat. I hope my son grows up knowing his masculinity is secure not because of his performance on a field. I hope the Lord tames my tongue and changes the way that I speak to my husband. I pray that God makes every mouth in my house a mouth that produces life so that when we leave we are fully equipped to battle the death and darkness out in the world.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 26:18-19

Just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon is someone who lies to a friend and then says, “I was only joking”.

Matthew 12:33-37

A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.

He is after My Heart

I had a friend in college once talk about how there are two dichotomies of faith that permeate the majority of Christians’ belief systems. The first being the: ‘it’s all about grace’ path. When taken to the extreme this way of thinking says that it doesn’t really matter what you do because Jesus already died on the cross and forgave you for it. So you don’t really have to try to live righteously because, it’s all about His grace. This is false, small nuggets of truth are found in that large overarching statement, but the statement itself is false. The second belief system many Christians adopt is the ‘faith without works is dead so I have to work really hard’, or the ‘if I try really hard to be good then God will love me and I’ll go to heaven’. Again, both of these statements are false – nuggets of truth buried under a lie.

If you were to ask me which line of thinking I most often lean towards, it’s the works mentality. I don’t know where or when I began to buy into this lie, or if it’s just merely my type A personality, but thinking that I have to earn God’s love is so much easier for me to believe than the reality of His love being a free gift.

What’s weird, is that I am a fairly self-aware individual, and I realize that I have an incorrect view of God and His love for me. So what am I supposed to do about it? Well, obviously first one must TRY to change, right?! Ya’ll, I’ve tried. For a really long time. I don’t know if God’s been chuckling at me trying to understand His love on my own, or saddened by it, but I know either way He’s been waiting for me to ask Him about it.

That’s finally what I did. I asked the Lord to show me how he loves me, and what I’ve been realizing this past week or so, is that God doesn’t really care how hard I try. It’s not about my striving, He’s after my heart.

See when someone, or something, has your heart spending time with that someone or something isn’t hard. You like it. You want to do things with/for the person who has your heart. Things flow out of you naturally. If you like watching old seasons of Bones on Netflix, chances are you’re going to do that after work. (Just me?! Oh, bummer..) Or take Sean, my sweet husband, for example. I love Sean, he has my heart. So when I go to the store for groceries, I don’t think to myself “Oh shoot I’ve got to get food for Sean too, I almost forgot!” Nope, in fact, I typically fight through the overcrowded isles to grab him some of his favorite treats. Is it work to get the habanero almonds he likes? If you’ve been to the grocery store on a Sunday then you know the answer to this question is YES. But I don’t really see it as work, I see it as honoring and loving my husband. I just do it, and don’t really think much of it.

God is the best husband you’ll ever have, and he desperately wants your heart. Yes, He will require some work, or obedience, from you. However, I truly believe that His greatest desire is for your obedience to be out of the overflow of your heart, rather than a sense of duty. Yes, faith without works is dead, but our works to not prove that God has our hearts. You can strive, and work all your life, but never fall in love with the Lord. That would be the greatest tragedy of all.

Friends, if you’re like me at all please hear this from the Lord. “Put down your tools, sit with me a while. Take your eyes off of yourself, your accomplishments and failures - and look at me. Once you look at me, you will fall in love with me, for I AM love.”

He is Love. He is good, and He is after your heart.

Here I Go Again on My Own

I hope you read that title in your best 80’s hair rock band voice, because that’s what I think of.

Here I go again!

You may be thinking, Where ya been Lauren?! Is blogging too much of a chore for you?! You can’t handle the life of a TRUE blogger!!

Well, you’re probably right. But let me also explain why I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I didn’t have anything good to say. So I didn’t say anything at all. If you’ll let me I’d like to bare my soul to you a little and share with you what God’s teaching me right now.

For about a year I’ve been discontent with my job. Not because my job is all that bad, honestly I have it pretty good. I work for my dad from home. Sean also works for my dad from home. Which means I get to spend a lot of time with my husband and not get out of my PJs until I’m good well and ready! Which is awesome. Also, my boss is my dad. A man who loves me and always has my best interest at heart. I’d bet that most people can’t say that about their boss. However, with all these wonderful things about my job I was left still feeling discontent. See, like the majority of people who live in Texas – I grew up in church. I grew up in GREAT churches. Churches that believed in the prophetic and in investing in the next generation. So I, being a product of fantastic churches and youth groups, grew up believing that God had BIG plans for my life. This in of itself is awesome, but let me explain the trap of the enemy I fell into.

See, I’m 24 now. I’m married, I own (roughly 13% of) a home, and have a job. I’m an adult (sadly). So in my head I’m sitting here at my job day in and day out thinking, “Lord, this job isn’t BIG, and you have BIG things for me. This can’t be all you have for me right now. Let’s do something else.” Don’t you love it when you tell God what to do?!

I sat for a year (probably more) praying that prayer. Over, and over, and it bred a lot of hurt feelings and disappointment in my heart, because nothing changed. God didn’t give me a new job, He didn’t give me a huge idea for a book, He didn’t even give me an idea of how to make my current job more enjoyable. So here I am, face stained from disappointed tears, asking God why.

So many of my journeys with the Lord begin with me asking why. You’d think I’d learn to be more inquisitive all the time, might save myself some grief!

This is what I think He’s shown me the past week or so. BIG in the Kingdom of God is not measured the same way that BIG is measured on earth. As a Christian I have dual citizenship in the Kingdom of God and here on earth. I am a citizen of both worlds, but one world will pass away, along with all of its trappings. So if I’m wise, I’ll work towards successes in the world that will never end. My focus for so long has been on having big success here on earth. Wanting so badly to do BIG worldly things for God so everyone here on earth would recognize it. What God’s showing me right now, is that I need to switch my attitude and focus. I need to strive for the things He thinks are big. What are those things? Well, I think it could look different for each person, but since we’re talking about me I’ll tell you what I think those big things are.

• Learning to be a good wife – this will not only bless my husband but build a strong foundation for our future family. I can also share what I learn along the way to help others around me to be better wives, which will affect their families for generations to come. That’s BIG.
•  Learning to hear God more clearly. If I hear God better, I can speak life into my family, friends, coworkers, and who ever I come across. Living in constant communion with the Lord will make me a better image of Him, and therefore spread His word more.
• Be a better friend/daughter/sister – If I can’t cultivate good relationships and love the people that are immediately around me, why would God trust me with more people?
• Manage my ‘domain’ – where ever I am stand up for my convictions and be a FORCE of love and grace. In my home, my car, with my friends, my family, my blog.. all of it.

That’s all I’ve gotten so far, but it’s big. God has shown me that I need not scoff at things I find to be small, because its all of those ‘small’ things that add up to be a BIG life.

Matthew 5:19

So if you ignore the least commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be called the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God's laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven.

 Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 Hebrews 6:9-12

Dear friends, even though we are talking this way, we really don’t believe it applies to you. We are confident that you are meant for better things, things that come with salvation. ¹⁰ For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers,^[b] as you still do. ¹¹ Our great desire is that you will keep on loving others as long as life lasts, in order to make certain that what you hope for will come true. ¹² Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent. Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit God’s promises because of their faith and endurance.

 

 

Because the Dowager always has wisdom.

I have the answer.

All of the time, I’m reminded of what a broken world we live in. All of the time. Sean and I have made it a point to watch the news during the week, so we’re not uneducated out of touch young’ins. It’s hard sometimes, to hear about it all – to have a daily reminder “Hey you’re still here on earth – you’re government is still run by a bunch of humans” We’re still broken.

I don’t understand people who feel as if they don’t need God. I’m desperate for him. In the wake of a difficult presidential election, the crumbling health care, an unstable economy, and two mass shootings – I’m on my knees. It’s where we all should be. I don’t care how you feel about guns, gun laws, or public schools. That is not the battlefield we are called to fight on.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.Eph. 6:12

What are you fighting for? Where are you fighting? Are you on your knees? Are you warring with words of prayer – or fear? Are you a symbol of peace amongst the chaos of this life? Peace is not having a loaded gun under your bed, having enough money in the bank to retire tomorrow, or having everyone you love alive. Peace is Jesus Christ. Peace is knowing your fate is sealed – that nothing in this world can harm you. We can hurt, even Jesus cried, but did He wallow? Did he allow death to overcome him? No, and thank goodness He didn’t. Death didn’t stop Jesus – and I refuse to allow it to stop me. Death has no hold on me; I pray that it has no hold on you.

With everything going on right now we as Christians have an incredible opportunity to shine so brightly in the darkest hour, because we have the answer! We know the Prince of Peace – whose peace passes all understanding. We can show people why we are able to have peace during this time.

Please take up this charge – don’t allow emotion, fear, or grief to stifle your witness. Be sad, but in your grief point others to peace. Point them to Jesus – because only His hands heal broken hearts. He is the answer, every time. Amen.

 

 

  Excuse the old, somewhat cheesy 90s worship song. Sometimes relevance is highly overrated. Truth is always relevant.

Through Hell and Back

This week has been a beast. Not in our marriage per-say but in EVERY OTHER AREA OF LIFE. Seriously. A part of me feels like we’ve been bunkered down waiting out our own emotional Hurricane. I’m sure you know the feeling, of just wanting it all to stop so you can be left to nurse your wounds. That’s how I’ve felt all week/all month. I’m weary of it all, and would like to press the pause button and eat some cookie dough in my jammies thank you very much!

However, on Tuesday Sean and I made it to Seven, the young adults service at church,  and the holy spirit bought up something Pastor Steven said to my mind this morning – while I was crying mind you. Pastor Steven was talking about how often in prayer meetings or other such events people will say things like ‘let’s stir ourselves’. I’ve never heard that phrase before but he went on to explain that it’s a normal and Biblical practice, of simply reminding yourself of what the Lord has already done in your life. You see, when you remind yourself of where you’ve been and how God has been faithful to bring you out of those things, you can’t help but look at your current cirsumstances and say ‘We will get through this too’. I’ve always been a huge fan of doing this. I try to do a small version of that each day in my quiet time, to simply remind myself – hey you’re blessed.

Today though, I wanted to sit with my thoughts and write out a list, a list of all that the Lord has done in my life. In no way will this be an exhaustive list, but I know that whatever I put down here will help me, and maybe it will help you. It’s November and if you haven’t already seen the mass of ‘month of thankfulness’ posts on Facebook – I encourage you to take it a step further. Make your own list. Take some time out of your day and write down all the things you can think of that the Lord has already brought you through. It will bless you, I’m sure of it.

So here goes, my ‘Through Hell and Back’ list:

1. The whole ‘Sean leaving for Afghanistan situation’. I was angry, distraught, and let down by the prospect of Sean leaving for Afghanistan. But God was faithful to me, even when I was SO unfaithful.

2. Never once have I, or someone in my family gone hungry. Financially this year has been hard on all of us, but never once have we not had enough. He has always provided.

3. He has never left me or forsaken me. Even when I did the best I could to leave Him.

4. The Lord has healed my heart of so many wounds – I still need more healing and more work, but He will continue the good work He began in me.

5. My hearts greatest desire was to be married. I’m married, to the most wonderful man I could have imagined.

6. He’s forgiven me. Time and Time again.

7. He loves me, even when I don’t love myself.

8. Nothing can harm me. Truly harm me, because my eternity is sealed.

9. He has spoken such clear words to me in the past. The Lord told me Sean wouldn’t have to go overseas – and he didn’t. He will speak to me again – and does.

10. He has physically healed close personal friends of mine – He will heal my body.

11. He gave my friends babies, when they thought they couldn’t have them.

12. He comforted me when I was alone.

13. He gave me friends, so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

14. He gave me a roommate when I didn’t have one and needed one.

15. He gave me a job when I asked.

16. He gave me a wedding photographer – TWICE.

17. He’s taken care of my Dad’s business - and will continue to do so.

 He is so faithful, and so good. I hope you can see the evident hand of God in your life, because I promise you it’s there. We are His treasured possession, and He loves us so much more than we know.

Thank you Lord, for all the things you’ve done in my life, mentioned and not. I KNOW that you are good. Thank you for carrying me when I’m weak. Thank you for being tender and gentle with me. Help me to know that you are near, that you haven’t forgotten me. Help me to trust you with my whole life. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

It's all fun and games until her Wedding is better than yours...

In these months after getting married, and settling into an ‘adult routine’ (I say that because I mostly work, go to church, and eat food) I have found myself looking for the next exciting thing, something that is ahead of me that I can work towards, or be excited about. The biggest thing Sean and I have been discussing recently is buying a house. We love our tiny apartment, but each time I write (or watch Sean write) that rent check I find myself wishing that it were going towards something – towards ownership of something rather than just paying for temporary use. In this quest for the ‘next big thing’ I find myself on the internet a LOT, probably too much. I’m on pinterest, googling houses in the areas we’re interested in, or looking on Facebook at other friends’ homes, blah blah blah, but this morning as I starting looking through another friend’s wedding photos on Facebook I felt the Lord speak something soft to me. I had a thought, “I wonder if her wedding turned out as well as she had it pinned on pinterest”. BOOM. I stopped, another thought came to mind, “How often are you disappointed with your circumstances because of what you’ve seen on pinterest or facebook?”

Oh, hey God, why you gotta be all up in my business reading my mail like that?!

Seriously though, it’s true. I find myself continually comparing my life – with her’s. The preverbial HER. She has the perfect house, bakes like a pro, works out 7 days a week, always looks put together, loves the Lord, cooks like Paula, and always has all the laundry done. Obviously this woman does not exist, and if she does, I bet she has a cleaning lady and a million dollars. However, even though I KNOW in my brain that this is not the truth, that NO ONE lives like this, I find myself chasing my own version of perfection. Everywhere I go I think, “Ugh, she’s SO pretty and always has cute clothes, I need to go shopping” or “Her house is so pretty, I wish we could move soon”, or “She’s working in her dream job, I wish I even knew what my dream job was”.  Do you see all off that?! That NASTY discontentment in my heart?

It’s sad, I know, and you probably never struggle with stuff like this. So feel free to stop reading, go pay your cleaning lady and count your millions.

Here I am, blessed FAR beyond what I deserve, and I’m grumbling wishing it were different. I sound just like the Israelites in the desert. They had just gotten delivered from Egypt, from slavery and oppression and what did they do? Whine to God about their circumstances.

Exodus 16:3 “If only the Lord had killed us back in Egypt,” they moaned. “There we sat around pots filled with meat and ate all the bread we wanted. But now you have brought us into this wilderness to starve us all to death.”

As Sean was praying last night before we went to bed, he thanked the Lord that we were trying to figure out what to do/where to go for Thanksgiving, instead of talking on the phone missing each other. Earlier this year, I had to walk through an “Egypt” in my life, and now that I’m on the other side, I’m complaining about not having enough meat.

Why do I do this? Is this just a part of my human sin nature that I have to deal with? Probably, and I think it’s a part that grips each and every one of us. It’s fed by our consumer driven society that always urges us to buy more, spend more, you NEED this. But here’s the thing, do I really? Do I really NEED a house? Do I really NEED new fall clothes? No. What I need, is more of Jesus, and less of me.

So, what do I do? Delete my Facebook and pinterest account? I could, but I think it’s more of a heart issue than an internet problem. Plus I think Sean would miss all the tasty treats I find on there to make. (We really like food at my house, in case you couldn’t tell)

Lord, would you help me to not compare my life to hers. Would you help me to not build up unhealthy expectations about life and how its ‘supposed’ to be. Help me to walk with you, instead of running ahead of you. Teach me to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, instead of being jealous of them. Make that ugly green monster inside of me go away. Help me to continually be thankful for all of the wonderful things that you have given me. Help me to guard my mind when I’m on pinterest, or facebook. Lord, thank you. Thank you for all of your good gifts. Thank you for the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and the clothes in my closet. Thank you that we have more than enough. Thank you for being patient with me, even though I struggle with the same thing over and over again. I love you. Amen.

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

 

 

What now?!

Growing up is strange, as is getting older. When you’re a little kid – you can’t imagine ever being 16 and being able to drive, then that milestone passes and you can’t wait to graduate high school, another milestone and you keep checking them off one by one. Graduating college, getting a job, getting married, having kids…

The biggest milestone I’ve sailed right past in my life thus far is getting married. Being a girl that was raised on Disney films I have been, not so patiently, waiting for my prince charming for as long as I can remember. I kissed my fair share of toads that didn’t turn out to be my prince, and then the Lord brought me Sean. Granted, our story didn’t pan out exactly as I had it planned in my head, but that’s life, right?!

See, I got married, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. Silly isn’t it? But the desire of my heart for so long was to get married – and now it has happened. I think that I really always thought that once I got married – I’d have it all figured out. My life would be exactly as I’d want it. I would have ‘arrived’. Well I don’t know where my preverbal trains stop was – but I do not feel as if I’ve reached it.

After settling into the routine of life after marriage I’ve found myself thinking, ‘Is this it??!’ Maybe I put too much expectation on what marriage would bring me – or maybe I foolishly thought that at some point you officially became a grown up and had it all together and walked out the rest of your life fulfilling the destiny God breathed in you – and after marriage was that time. Whatever I was believing – it left me feeling empty. Annoyed with how my life was going. Don’t get me wrong – there aren’t any major life issues I’m dealing with – just an overwhelming sense of discontentment.

So, I went to church on Sunday as usual, and as soon as worship starts, what happens? I start crying. My tender little heart that is aching for substance, for purpose, for meaning, finds it. At the feet of my savior. Instantly I felt the Lord say to me, “Lauren, you’ve been looking in all the wrong places for fulfillment. Work, friends, Sean. These things do not bring you fulfillment – I do. I am the giver of all life.”

I figured something out right then – if I do nothing of value or worth for the rest of my life, except sit at the feet of my savior – I will have lived a fulfilling life.

Crazy isn’t it. God didn’t give me some huge directive to accomplish, or mandate a task, He simply told me to sit.

Philippians 3:7-8

“I once thought these things were valuable – but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage so that I could gain Christ.”

Ecclesiastes 12:7 &13-14

For the dust will return to the earth and the spirit will return to God who gave it. Everything is meaningless says the teacher, completely meaningless…

            That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

 

 

      Lord, help me to sit at your feet, for the rest of my life. Help me to not find my worth and value in anything but you. I am yours - THAT is who I am. Your daughter, beloved, bride, precious jewel. May my life be incense rising up to heaven. May I live for you, and not myself. Help me to not get caught up in what the world tells me I should be, and help me to be content in being yours. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for dealing with me tenderly. I love you, with all of my heart. Amen. 

God is love

ok, OK, O STINKIN’ K.

I’ve heard enough about chick-fil-a to last me a lifetime. And you know what?!! This girl has an opinion.

I have NO idea what Jesus would have done if he lived in modern times and Chick Fil A existed. My GUESS is that he would have been at a homeless shelter, or in someone’s house teaching, not eating waffle fries (I don’t think they are kosher?). Does that mean you’re a bad person for supporting the restaurant that makes me feel like fast food is slightly acceptable? Nope. Does it mean that you are a better person because you didn’t go to Chick Fil A and you’re learning to make your own chicken nuggets at home out of protest? Nope.

Let me tell it to you straight.

1. We are ALL sinners.

2. Our political views will NOT get us to heaven.

3. My God is LOVE, not hate.

4. Love does NOT mean compromising the truth.

If Jesus walked on this earth today where would he stand on Gay marriage, or abortion, taxes, or a myriad of other political topics that Christians and non-Christians alike get hyped up over? I have an idea – but I THINK (opinion only folks, I’m not God) that He would emphasize that its people’s hearts He is after, not their votes. When Jesus did walk on the earth, He did not seek to overthrow governments, much to the Jew’s dismay. He walked, loved, prayed, taught, healed, died, and rose again.

So here’s the thing, no matter what side of the fence you fall on, if you profess to be a follower of Christ I think we should remember a few things. God loves people, and hates sin. Our human minds can’t process that because we think that if someone does something we don’t like, we don’t like them. WRONG. You don’t like their actions, not WHO THEY ARE.  You can dislike what people do AND who they are – but that’s a horse of a different color. It’s much like loving a child – when they throw fits and tantrums and drive you up a wall, you don’t just stop loving them because their behavior doesn’t please you at the time.

Aren’t you glad God is a really good dad? And He doesn’t stop loving you each time you mess up? He is a God full of grace, mercy, and love. THAT is something worth emulating. We are called to LOVE those who are difficult to love. That means, people who don’t share your political views, religious views, moral standing,  who are rude to you, talk bad about you, take advantage of you, steal from you…

Matthew 5:38-48

38“You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ 39“But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. 40“If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. 41“Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42“Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

43“You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I’m NOT perfect. And I struggle with actually loving people who are hard to love. But THAT’S my goal. Love everyone, all the time, no matter what.  Loving them does not mean I have to be ok with their actions, it means looking past the action to see the person, in need of love, grace and mercy.

Lord, please help me to do this in my life. You know how hard it is for me to do this, and how my little heart gets hurt by people. Help me to forgive them, and love them. Help me to love others like you do so that I can be your hands and feet. Help me to not love people out of selfish gain, but to love unconditionally. Teach me to live like you did, loving, forgiving, healing, teaching, walking, and dying for you. Forgive me for not loving people better. Forgive me for my failures. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me all the time. Amen.

XOXOX,

Lauren

God is good, all the time.

If you just stumbled onto my blog, and happen to be reading all of my posts at once, I apologize. You’ve probably already noticed my bad grammar, and you’ll find a reoccurring theme throughout all of my posts. Thankfulness. It’s such a simple concept, but interlaid with profound truth.

Let me catch you up on my past few weeks and I’ll flesh out this chapter of ‘a thankful heart’. A few weeks ago Sean and I finally moved out of my parents’ house. The day after he came home from training, we went and signed a lease for our first apartment, but apartments aren’t genies and we had to wait 3 weeks until we could move in. We started collecting furniture and getting prepared for the big move. Then the day finally came. Sean’s twin brother and his girlfriend were in town during the move and with their help, my sister and her husband and all the other hands on deck we got moved in. Longest day of my life. For real. Just one thing was missing, our mattress. Sean was planning on picking up our mattress on move in day, but called for directions to the warehouse and Mattress firm told us to not worry about it, they would deliver it! Talk about thankfulness – in 100+ degree heat you are THANKFUL for not having to carry a mattress up apartment stairs. We waited, and waited, and waited. Come 8:30 when I was as cranky as the wicked witch of the west, and the mattress store was about to close – Sean called and they informed us our mattress would not be at our apartment that evening.

Let’s pause there for a second. I KNOW that this blog is a tiny snapshot of my life, and if this is all you know about me, I seem like the saint of thankfulness. I’m not. In fact at this particular moment of my life I was sitting at the sink washing dishes ready to poke a fork in the eye of the man who told me I was going to have to sleep on the floor that night, but the story does continue.

Sean has an uncanny ability to get whatever he wants. AKA Extreme favor.  Sometimes this is super annoying; however, when you’re his wife and you get to benefit from the favor over his life, it’s kind of awesome. By the time he hangs up the phone with the mattress man, he had secured us a free upgrade to any mattress in the store. Um what?! Yea, even over the phone his charm and good looks make people putty before him. ;-)  Needless to say, we slept on the floor for two nights and on the third night we have this mattress we could have never afforded in our bedroom.

So what does this have to do with thankfulness? Everything. Every night I get in my bed and silently pray, ‘Lord thank you for this mattress.’ Because I know what it’s like to sleep on the floor. See beyond the simple metaphor in this story.

I’m sure you know what it’s like to sleep on the floor. You know what it’s like to be so exhausted and at the end of your rope, and you just have to keep holding on, to God, and His promises. I’m 100% positive that at some point in your life you have experienced a period of being faithful during the ‘in betweens’. Can I tell you something? Your mattress is coming, and it’s more than you could have ever paid for on your own. Amen?!  

One day, you will be walking around in the fulfillment of God’s promises in your life and you will lay your head down every night thanking Him for it all, thanking Him that you don’t have to sleep on the floor anymore.

Lord, make me faithful during my ‘in betweens’ Help me to honor you with the little I have now, so that you can trust me with much. Help me to not complain through the process of your sanctification. I know that you love me, and will complete the good work that you started in me, help me to not hinder that growth. Make me good soil. May every breath I breathe, in the sunshine and the rain, glorify you.

Amen. 

XOXO,

Lauren

I am all He says I am

Are you gullible? Do you believe lies easily? Often times we wouldn’t categorize ourselves as gullible. We are well adjusted and informed individuals. But, how gullible are you when it comes to lies about yourself? Satan is one tricky jerk and gets us to believe all sorts of lies.

He is the father of lies.

I believe that our susceptibility to all of satan’s lies is an epidemic. We don’t know who we are. This is something that I struggle with, and have since I was a young girl. In your formative years you are desperately seeking out to define ‘who you are’. What kind of person you will be. So often we get answers from all of the wrong places. Media, friends, bullies, older siblings, even parents. Don’t misunderstand me, a parent instilling a healthy self-worth in their children is VASTLY important, but if that’s where you get your identity, I’m sorry to burst your bubble sister, its wrong. The ONLY place we are to form our identities from is the lips of our heavenly father.

This is hard, at least for me, because the sheer volume of voices screaming out the wrong answers drowns out the soft whispers of my heavenly father. In my head, I’ve heard all of the truth, and read all of the truth, but why are the lies easier to believe than the truth? Because my mind is full of crap. There it is, the long and short of it folks. Every day, all day, our minds are filled with all sorts of stuff, work stuff, facebook stuff, school stuff, pinterest stuff, boyfriend stuff, girl-friend stuff…DANG! It’s a wonder anything else fits in there!!! It does though, lies find their way into your mind and take root like the weeds that they are. So, what do you do?

Get out your gloves girl, you’re going to have to do some heavy gardening. If I take this metaphor farther, think of it this way. God is the gardener, you are the soil. But you aren’t really soil are you? You’re a person, who ALWAYS has a choice with the Lord. You can let Him in and ask Him to weed eat the junk out of your mind, or you can refuse His help.  The way that the Lord renews your mind is by filling it up with the truth – His word. You’ve got to put enough truth in there so you will stop believing all of the lies.

This is a journey I’ve been going on for a while. As a little girl, I believed the lies satan put into my head. I believed I was ugly, fat, and not good enough. Those creepy little critters still hang around the attic of my mind, and typically pop out when I least expect it. Like when I’m buying my Husband shorts and start to feel insecure because of the size of His pants in comparison to mine. (bad day right there, I feel sorry for all of the Target patrons.) Or when I have a bad day, act like a brat, and wonder why would anyone marry me in the first place?!

LIES.

They are all lies. Because here’s the deal: I AM ALL HE SAYS I AM. If you don’t know that Cody Carnes song, go YouTube it, then buy it, because that stuff is the TRUTH! I am the daughter of THE King. I am powerful, I am worthy of love, and I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

So yea, I’ll never be Kate Beckinsale, but I’m awesome, because I’m all that He says I am.

WORD!

This Again?!

I’d like to start this post off with a disclaimer. In the following lines you will find: 1. Bad grammar. 2. Southern Slang 3. Lots of sass. If all of that is just fine by you, then tread on, my friends.

It’s been a week since Sean got home and we've settled in quite nicely. We have settled into a routine with work, errands, and laundry. This may sound completely boring to you, but to me, it’s all of the little things I thought I wouldn’t get to do with Sean for a year. Those little things matter. We're also in the process of planning our wedding reception. Since we planned our wedding in a week, we were unable to invite everyone that we would have liked. So now we're scrambling around (again) trying to find a venue for our original wedding date, to have a reception in.

The second Sean got home; I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was as if the weight of the world was immediately off my shoulders. I didn't have to figure out insurance by myself, or try to sell his car, or miss him so much I thought my heart would stop beating. It was over. I made it through the pressure cooker.

In my brief period post pressure cooker, I've noticed something. I seem brattier outside the cooker. *GASP* Seriously?! Am I that awful? Did I honestly forget EVERYTHING I've learned in the past month and go back to being silly little Lauren again?? Dang it. I'll admit it, in the past week, I've had my moments. You see, living at home, working at home, being married, and trying to plan a reception just does not always equal a recipe for a good attitude.

I've come to discover that my attitude needs a daily adjustment. It becomes too easy to be discontent with my circumstances, or frustrated with planning the reception. I have to take a step back and remember, "Hey girl, you just got yourself a bonafide miracle, get over it!" and then I typically do.

I can just hear your internal dialog now, "Well yeah, sheesh. If I had gotten a miracle I'd tell myself that too. But you have no idea what I am dealing with right now. I’m still in the middle of my mess." You're right. I don't know exactly what you’re dealing with, but the Lord does. I feel like I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Your perspective changes EVERYTHING. Are you grateful that you have a heavenly father who loves you and died for you, or are you sitting on Facebook comparing your life to hers? Are you rejoicing with those girls who are getting engaged and married, or are you disappointed and jealous that it’s not you?

A little too close to home right there? Good, because that's exactly where the Lord hit me this week. I could just feel Him saying to me, are you still going to choose me, even when everything's ok? What a question. Is God my life vest, or the air I breathe? Is He my everything, every day, or my insurance policy? I refuse to allow what I've learned slip away. I refuse to allow my dependence to switch from totally on God to myself. Nope, not gonna happen! I don't want to have to learn that lesson again, thank you!

I'm putting that up on the thankfulness board. That the Lord teaches me, and by His grace alone, I learn the lesson, because let’s face it, without Him I wouldn’t learn a darn thing.

What is the Lord teaching you? Is it the same lesson over and over again? Or are you learning, and moving on to bigger sometimes harder lessons?

Be encouraged. You can pass the test, because it's not by your own strength, but by His.

A-stinkin-MEN!!!

Love you guys, like Sean loves sweet tea. :-D

My Very Own Miracle

First off let me say, I'm sorry this has taken so long. Its been busy around here, you'll understand here soon.

I have GIANT news that can only be credited to God's faithfulness and grace to His kids. Sean is home, for good.

About a week ago Sean called me and told me that his commander had spoken to him and said that since Sean's end time of service date wasn't longer than 90 days away from the end of the deployment he had to make a decision, extend his contract for another year, or not extend and see if they would send him still or not. Sean called me immediately after this conversation to talk with me about it. I told him that I didnt want him to resign. Let them send him still and he could come home early, but resigning for another year wasnt an option I was ok with. Sean agreed and we hung up the phone.

Let me pause to explain the small miracle happening just in that circumstance. Last fall we got news that Sean would be getting deployed the following July, except if he wanted to go he would have to extend for another year. Sound familiar? Well, Sean being the loyal, up to the challenge man that he is did exactly that. He signed a contract for another year so that he wouldn't leave his guys in the lurch. A few months later, that whole deployment got canceled and everything he signed was null and void. Do you see where I'm going with this? If God had allowed the army to recognize or process that Sean's ETS date is when it is before he left for training and given him the option to resign then, I think he would have. He wouldn't have been in the middle of it, sick of eating MRE's, and sick of missing his wife. (I’m taking literary liberty here, but I think it’s fairly accurate.)

Back to the story: Sean went back to his commander the next morning and told him that he wasn't going to resign. His commander took this news and went higher up the food chain to figure out what they were going to do with Sean. They were either going to release him, or still send him but he would come home early. This was HUGE. Either of these options was better than when we started, I was jumping out of my skin all day Thursday.

Thursday night Sean called me like he usually does after training and dinner are over. He said to me, "Baby I'm so excited about coming home...for good." Tricky little man, slipping such huge news into normal conversation like that. I started crying immediately. I couldn't believe it. He was coming home, for good. I didn't have to dread my birthday, or Christmas any more. He would be there.

I got on my knees with Sean and the phone and cried out to the Lord in thankfulness. This had nothing to do with me, it was totally God, and He chose to pour out His grace, mercy, and love on us in such a tangible way.

I've always struggled with the reality of "God really loves me". I know how much of a mess I am, and how many times I've royally missed the mark. Coming to a place where I can feel God's love deep down in my soul has been difficult for me. It's something I've been working on for quite a while. In my head I know the truth, but in my heart part of me always felt like I didn't deserve it, I wasn’t good enough.

I think the Lord wanted to put that lie to rest. If I ever think, does God really love me? I have this. He brought my husband home. He loves me so much, that He spared me from something I honestly did not want to walk through. He gave me grace, even when I had all but given up hoping that Sean could be spared.

I know that there are layers to this lesson I'm learning. All that has gone down in the past week will take me months to work out in my heart. But this I know for sure, God is good, and He loves me.

He loves you too. You might still be walking through your dark valley, or maybe you’re on the mountain top, but he loves you the same. The Bible says that God IS love. It also says that He cannot change. So, no matter what you're walking through, or how you've messed up God is still love, and He still loves you.

I hope this story has breathed some hope into your lungs. God is so much bigger than we often give Him credit for. He can do anything. Don't give up hope. Keep running this race, and I’ll see you at the finish line.

He's a cutie, and glad to be home.

Mary, Martha, and some Peanut Butter

So here’s the deal. Sean comes home for his first four day leave in about 5 days. I’m so excited I can’t stand it! My type-A personality has gone into overdrive and I’ve planned, cleaned, and organized until my little hearts content. The past month has been a tough one. I think the anticipation of Sean leaving was almost worse than when he was actually gone. It was like when you’re riding a roller coaster and you’re tick-tick-ticking up that giant hill, just waiting to go over the edge. All of this hasn’t been a walk in the park for Sean either. Their training has been pretty intense, and he’s been eating MRE’s for two meals a day.

Let me pause here and decode army lingo for you. MRE = nasty, preservative laden, prepackaged mush they call breakfast and lunch. MRE’s are reason number 45 I could never be in the army. So what do I do in response to such a food atrocity? Go to Wal-Mart and Target about 10 times each to buy every organic, individually wrapped, doesn’t need heating or refrigerating food out there. No joke, I have a food pantry in my closet.

Acts of service have always been one of my love languages; I inherited that one from my mother. When I wig out and go to extremes, like I have been lately, I ware myself out trying to do everything. I can’t go in Sean’s place, but in my head it makes me feel a little better thinking that peanut butter, and tuna packets will make his time a little easier.

I wonder if this is how God feels towards us. God did take our place, and redeemed us when we were incapable of doing it on our own, but He doesn’t force us to choose Him. Beyond salvation, it is still a choice whether or not we invite the Lord into our daily lives. How often is His hand stretched out ready to help us, and we continue to muddle through on our own?

Sean doesn’t have to take all of the food I bought with him; he doesn’t have to accept any of my help. He’s been through one deployment without me, he could do it again, but wouldn’t it be better if he did? More often than I’d like to admit my rebellious teenager spirit rises up and I want to do everything myself. I’m a capable, educated woman! Hear me roar!! I can’t do it all though.

My peanut butter may help Sean to feel loved while he’s away, but nothing I do can give Sean the peace he needs to get through it all. That’s the hardest part for me. There isn’t anything I can do about all of this. All I can do is sit at the feet of Jesus, which is where He’s wanted me all along. So I’m learning to be more of a Mary and less of a Martha, to cling to the answer, instead of spinning my wheels in an effort to make sense of it all. ‘Cause here’s the thing, I don’t think any of it, life and all of its uncertainties, will ever make sense this side of heaven. So I’ve got to get over it, and take a chill pill. One of my favorite verses says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!” (John 16:333)

He doesn’t guarantee us an easy journey, but peace every step of the way. I’m thankful for that, for peace that passes all understanding. Peace that I don’t have to work for or earn.

Lord, thank you for loving me and for giving me your peace. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me, even when I try to do it on my own. Help me to lean on you, and you alone. Amen.

Peaks, Valleys, and Eternity

It's been my experience that immediately following any sort of kingdom 'high' Satan, the jerk that he is, comes at you full force, trying to knock you off that high horse. Well, this week has kind of been like that. 

I was shocked when I got the kind of response to my first two posts that I did. Honestly, those were for me. To get off my chest what was so heavy inside of me. I'm an out-loud thinker/processor. It helps me to talk through things. In fact, I usually feel like a giant ball of emotion until I can hash things out with someone. Sean is really good at listening to all my emotional ramblings. He is always patient with me and talks me through my over dramatic moments (me? over dramatic..NO! ;-). So, in writing that blog it was a way for me to get those thoughts out, and let Sean still be involved in the process. But then all of you wonderful people actually read it! Several girls told me how one of the posts had helped them, that the Lord had spoken to them through it. Humbled is an understatement, it was awesome to see the Lord using my words. It was definitely one of those 'spiritual high' moments, and you know what follows those.  

Satan really is a jerk. I hope you know that. I've thought about making a T-shirt about it. For no particular reason Tuesday was a hard day. I don't know if it was coming back to work after a long weekend, or my sister being gone (she's on her honeymoon..I expect gifts..), or it being one of the first nights I went to church without Sean, but all day my Eeyore cloud was out in full force. I didn’t shake it off probably until Wednesday night. I volunteer with the youth group at my church and it’s such a blessing to me each week. On my way home I called Sean and got to talk to him for a bit. He explained how he got to pray with several of the guys in his platoon that are Christians, and all of the ways he knows he is supposed to be there right now, for such a time as this.  

I've been prophesied over several times in my life, and they all had a similar chord running through them, that the Lord would bring me through specific things in my life in order for me to help the women around me, a call on my life like the call of Esther. I am here, for such a time as this. In my head I've always thought, "Yea, this is awesome! I'm going to be a nation changer like Esther, she was a queen! I want to be a queen!" But Wednesday night when Sean was talking about how he knew he was at the exact right place at the exact right time; my heart did not leap for joy. Sure, I'm happy that the Lord is using Sean, but does it have to be so hard?  

I think back to Esther. You know, I bet she wasn't super jazzed about her calling all the time either. The weight of saving a nation was on her shoulders. She had to risk her life for the lives of her people, not an easy task, but she did it. She didn't run away, or ignore what was being set before her. She sought the Lord, and went to work.  

That is not easy. It is not easy to stare at your seemingly impossible situation and say, "Ok Lord, its me and you, let's do this." But I think that's exactly the heart that the Lord is after; he needs you to be willing to trust His crazy plan. That he knows better than you do, and will carry you through it. I've always wanted to be that kind of person, who can go beside a river, pick up a couple stones and walk off to face the giant, knowing that God has my back. It’s tough and I'm not sure I've even begun to look anything like Esther, but I'm willing.

Growing is hard work, and spiritual growing pains are real, but I know that everything learned in the spirit will last me for all of eternity. This pain I'm experiencing will be miniscule in comparison to the eternal rewards ahead of me. That's true for you as well. No matter what you're facing, or how much your dreading taking another step forward, your reward will be worth it, for your treasures are in heaven not on this earth.

Lord, take me and use me. Help me to be able to fight for my people. Make me strong enough to slay the giants in my life, and give me the grace that I need to be able to trust that you have my back. For you crush giants and defeat armies, but you are tender and close to the broken hearted. Thank you for loving me even when I run away from what you've called me to do. Amen.